Every time I step out with my camera it
feels like the first time. There is the
same excitement, same tingle down my spine and the same nervousness. Yet my photography feels as if it as
developed a mature side that at present is difficult for me to describe. I found today’s shoot very exciting yet full
of frustration as if I was fumbling in the dark unable to focus or see the
subject before me. Yet at the same time
I was finding myself trying new things based on lessons I have learnt
previously.
As you can see it has been a very confusing
day and as things stand I can honestly day that I am unsure whether it was a
completely profitable one photographically speaking or not. So I guess as I type this I am a troubled
photographer but happy with that feeling!!!!!
I think that one of the things that troubled me was the surprise I had when I visited one of my favourite churches, St James
at Leckhampstead. I had dismissed the
church from my project because of the small plot of land it is situated on and
the interior did not lend itself to a complete photographic workout. Imagine my surprise when entering the church
I found that all the reasons for dismissing the interior were gone. The interior has been opened out and now
leans itself to be photographed and included in my project.
I have four days left in with which to
exploit my camera to the full, well that is not true there will be days off but
if I am to meet the April deadline I am going to need to make the most of every
hour of every day.
My mind is in a frenzy, the photographic
workload is picking up a pace and the nerves are feeling edgy, exciting times.
A short while ago I was in a very dark
place as I have mentioned before which is a complete contrast to where I find
myself now. It does not stop me feeling
edgy about the past or how close that dark place is. I am not going to let it back in, I could not
go through that again. Yet throughout
today I was reminded of it, it flashed across whilst I was composing a
photograph, driving along the country roads, cooking dinner. It is trying to make its presence made and
interrupt this good feeling I have. Are
we not allowed to feel good about life, are we not allowed to enjoy ourselves? Have I served my free period of feeling good
and now have to pay the price, does feeling good have to come at a price?
I have a box, it is a very special box and
it represents me, just me and inside this box I feel safe, almost myself. It is a simple box that is just the right
size and it is where you can find me all the time. Well you cannot as I am the only one allowed
in now and I am not about to give the password to anyone. Not even my photography is allowed in and
that is saying something. This is the
first time I have a space that I can call my own, the first time I have some
room to begin to understand myself. The
inside of the box is simple, it is white and texture free and like the Doctor
Who’s Tardis it is bigger on the inside than the outside. I have spent a lot of time getting myself to
a place that feels good my box will now hopefully allow me to begin to
understand and learn about about myself and this colourful world. I world I have to live in but not necessarily
accept or agree with but one that fills me with intrigue and wonder. I am sure it will be the death of me yet but
I will die trying to discover its beauty.
I have been told I over think things and
that I should let my emotions have more say.
Well to that I say they are one and the same, my emotions rule my
thoughts and I think I will let them continue to do so as it feels the right
thing to do.
It is amazing what one can write off the
cuff and after a glass or two of wine.
Well on to the photographs from today, am I
happy yes and no. They are going into my
distinction pool but I think I will need to revisit a number of locations as they are not
spot on.
Well that is all for now, until the next
time take care.
Si x
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