Driving Mr Si, Money, Booze and IT

The last few days have been an eye opener for sure, especially yesterday when I took part in the first part of my driver training to become a Sainsbury’s Online driver, well a backup or standby driver.  I only found out about the course the day before and had little time to prepare or get myself into any frame of mind.

The course was due to start at 9am but I got into work at 6 as there were bits and pieces that needed to be done and I had to take another risk assessment and read and digest 13 pages of driver do’s and don’ts.  I was the only one on the course that was part theory and a lot of practical, more practical than I was expecting.  My exceptions were driving around the yard getting use to the van I would be driving but Oh no I was facing 3 hours out on the road too.  Added to that I was going to retrace an actual route one of our experienced drivers had done that morning and the instructor wanted one with difficult drops included.  She was a lovely lady and a very good instructor but a hard task master.

I have never been so apprehensive in the work place before, I was going completely out of my comfort zone and possibly beyond where my confidence is currently.  My confidence, by the way, is not in a very good place at the moment.  Well it is but there are a number of things that a trying their hardest to pull it back to where it was 6 months ago but more on that later.

I have never driven a 3.5 ton box van before and this was if anything a crash course, thankfully it wasn't.  Three hours to learn as much as I can about driving a new vehicle!  It started with carrying out tight turns and reserving in the yard which went well even if far from perfect.  That was after the vehicle checks which are mandatory to ensure everything is safe and sound.  Where was the check for my nerves and confidence that is what I wanted to know?   So everything done that could be in the yard it was off out in and around the town.

Things went well even if I was a little close to parked traffic once or twice everything was under control.  Not once did I feel out of control or unable to respond to a situation.  Driving the van certainly makes you think about your driving and I learnt one or two very useful tips especially approaching roundabouts.  To start off with I had forgotten the reason for the drive out, to simulate a shopping run as I was to busying getting use to the van.  Slowly but surely things started to come together and little by little my confidence grew.

It was good to hear that at the end of the day I had passed the test which was module 1, only 2 more modules to go and I was told there were only 2 in total, tut tut.  I ended the day exhausted but relieved.  I was also left with a profound respect for Sainsbury’s Online drivers.  Being an online shopper is hard work, being a GA is even harder but being a driver is without a doubt the most stressful and physical job of them all.  They are against the clock, it is physical, you are the face of the company and they end up picking up flack for all the mistakes that have happened prior to the delivery of the shop to the customer.  Some of the places they have to deliver too, drive down and work in only add to the stress or burden of responsibility.  I take my hat off to them, the job lot, they are amazing peeps for sure.

I have also spent the time since my last post trying to sort out and face up to my next challenge, money or the lack of it.  I have never been financially mature and have always struggled with money management.  Never to the point of losing a roof over my head or anything like that but I have been too casual for sure.  Well I brewed a big cup of tea, my mug holds a pint of tea, and got everything relating to money out and printed off statements and lists so I could start to find out where I am.

I took 2 days for me to man up and start to own the problem and I do feel ashamed about that but I have done it now.  I know what is involved and what I have to do.  It is not a pretty picture but I going to get on top of it and I am not going to let it happen again.  It is also the reason I have had to rethink my job situation, which is something I am still not entirely comfortable with.  It does have one positive side and that is that I worked out how much I have been spending on alcohol and that has now stopped.  I have embarrassed and shamed myself into a corner, I feel very uncomfortable about it and there is certainly no pride or good reason to feel anything other than frustration at myself.

I am trying to stand fast in the place I have reached and not let all the changes and challenges I face get to me or pull me backward.  I am going to do this, I am going to move forward and I will get myself into a position where I can do more with my life and time and feel positive about it.  I have been here before and it did not end well but I have experience on my side, hopefully that will come in use.

Over the next couple of months I think things are going to be very challenging as I move on and face up to the next step.  As I have said before getting a job outside IT was the start the next was to get the drinking and money sorted out.  Looks like I might be sorting both out at the same time.

On a slightly lesser note I had two computer or electronic device funnies occur over the last two days.  Firstly my iMac would not let me log in, nothing had changed but it point blank refused my password and no I did not have caps lock on!  In the end it required a remote password reset in order to resolve the situation and a ticket has been logged with Apple.  The second was last night as I settled down to read before going to sleep.  I powered on my Kindle eagerly anticipating Arthur Dents next installment as he traverses the universe only to find it complete empty, the Kindle not the universe.  It was void of apps, books, magazine I had brought previously, only the default apps were installed.  I hunted around and still nothing, not a sign of a single page to be found, no pictures or documents and my calendar was empty.  Not that I had anything in my calendar of note but that was not the point.

I flicked onto the settings app and turned on Wi-Fi, I keep it off as it drains the battery a lot quicker otherwise.  Strangely it remembered the security key for my Wi-Fi that told me that it had not gone back to factory defaults or a complete reset had been done.  So unable to find anything to explain I went to my Amazon cloud and downloaded all the apps, books, magazines and documents again.  It did not take long but now I have the task of getting put in the right place.  So baring freak IT issues I can resume my journey with Arthur Dent tonight.

Well that is all for now, until the next time take care.

Si x

Only half the story!

I think I might have made a huge mistake yesterday in deciding not to go for the Team Leader role.  I am going to stick with my original decision for now but have it in the back of my mind that a good talking too by someone might make me change my mind!  This is the difference a night’s sleep and another day at work where I got stuck in thanks to circumstances, ie. short staffed.

I rolled up my sleeves which was a feat as I have short sleeved shirts and got suck into being a general assistant or GA as they are commonly know as.  Not that they are a common bunch, heavens no just a bit tarty……..!!!!!!  Probably why I felt at home doing the job.  It is physical work, a lot harder than shopping, but I did get to appreciate more about how our department works and the peeps who do the job.  I cannot wait to go out with a GOL driver and I hope it is soon.

Talk about facing the next step in my new life and it being so indecisive.  Here I sit with confidence over flowing and yet worried that I could end up back at square one or at least starting at a point at do not like.  I told my boss only half the story when I informed him that I did not want to apply for the job.  Now I am going to tell him the other half and I think that will be then I might change my mind.  This taking each day at a time is very exciting stuff for sure.  Yesterday I was all against it yet over lunch today I was talked around to thinking that maybe it was not such a bad idea.  Don’t forget this chap is living one day at a time and taking one step at a time.  Becoming a Team Leader would solve my money problems and allow me to take the next step.  I am not sure at what cost though as I value my “Me” time and I said a job would not shape my life again?!!!?

Is this the first time I have the confidence to make my job fit in my life?  Maybe so it is something I did not think about until today.  Turning my fear and reserve around and making it a positive if I can.

I looked at this problem and I only see half the picture then in the blink of an eye I saw the other half.  How do I grab both halves and piece them together?  Pondering this I got out my amazing compact camera, a Sony RX100, and took some photographs during the afternoon from the time I left work.  I am not going to make any apologise for the photographs.  If anyone is new to this blog I am passionate about photography and I express myself and my feelings through it, I will never make any apologise for this, especially as I feel I do not offend anyone.

So bar Bagpuss I am telling only half a story for now, you will always get the naked truth from me if you ask!  All you have to do is ask!

The naked truth, well half of it.....!

Tomorrow is another day, a day to break the rules maybe.  Maybe a day that will define my next step.

Until then take care Pooh, Si, Socks, Simon, Sci-Fi x

Bump, bumpy, Bumped

Bump, bump, bump, bumpy, bump.  I think that best describes the last two days for me which have been challenging too say the least.  One of the causes has been roller coaster ride I have been taken on thanks to my blood glucose levels, yes believe it or not I have diabetes.  For whatever reason I have not been able to get on top of them and they have been up and down on their own freewill.  It has been frustrating for sure especially when there is very little you can do about at that moment in time.  I don’t think that was the root cause though and more as a result of how I am feeling personally.

Having got myself into a very good place personally in the last few weeks some new challenges have come along that have upset the apple cart.  Having settled down in my job and made some amazing friends things have been feeling very good.  Thanks to the combination of the job and the new friends my confidence levels and emotions have been on a high.  It has felt so good and I have enjoyed each and everyday no matter what it brings.  I clearly have changed because I have noticed that people’s perception of me has changed, not in every case but in one or two.  On occasion I have almost felt like I need to apologise for being so happy and enjoying my life.  It is almost as if I should feel guilty about being where I am and to be honest I don’t see why I should.  My confidence at work has been seen as ar$e kissing and brown nosing rather than a chap just trying to do the best job he can.  I have never kissed ar$e to progress at work and I certainly will not do so now.

I have always worked hard and been conscientious at work and taken pride in my work.  I have never had the confidence to climb the career ladders wherever I have worked and mainly done it by being in the right place at the right time or having been jobless so needed to push to get a particular role.  I worked at my local Council for 20 years starting as a trainee computer operator and left as a Senior Corporate Analyst in charge of the datacenter and its team.  During that time my roles and responsibilities became broader rather than taller but it provided me with a solid foundation in technical and management skills.  Looking back all that was missing was a good dose of self confidence, something that has been missing throughout my career.  My move to the private sector was a complete disaster and thanks to the lack of confidence I was like a fish out of water.  It was also at this point my marriage was falling apart and things started spiral down into the blackness I was to find myself shortly after.

After the private sector I found myself back in the public sector working at another council but in a position that was new, the most senior role I had ever occupied in my career.  Looking back I was doomed in that role too and out of my depth, as I did not have the strength of character and confidence to do justice to the role and the people I worked with.  It was around this time that my mum became ill and died shortly afterwards.  After this things were well difficult and looking back it is all a blur.

The need to get a job soon came a calling and trying to get a job outside IT was providing difficult as recruitment agencies took one look at my CV and said “You’re an IT bloke”.  I managed to get a junior IT role at a local secondary school and tried to settle in and start to get things back in order.  I never settled, I did not enjoy the work even though I could do it standing on my head.  I picked up projects to run using my project management skills but it still did not feel right.  I was not enjoying the work and no matter what I did I could not get emotional about it.  I grew more and more stressed and that made me ill and it eventually lead to me giving up the job.  I found I could not commit to the role and it was not fair on my employer especially when there are a lot of very eager and capable people out there.  We parted company and I was facing an uncertain future but job and emotionally.

If you have read this blog before you will know that getting a job outside IT was the first step in getting my life back together.  I was going to tackle my issues one at a time and ensure that I had a solid foundation to move on from before taking on the next one.  This is where Sainsbury’s came in and my job as an online shopper.  My passion for the job, the company and the people I have meet is well documented in this blog and at times I feel like I should be apologizing for this.  But I am not going to, I have got myself out of a place that I would not wish on anyone, a place where I seriously considered ending it all thanks to the last 25 years hanging over me.  Although I made to attempts to do it they were half hearted and I guess that was down to the fighting spirit I did not know I had stopping me.

25 years of being a trainee, senior member of staff looking after teams from 3 to 12 strong, managing IT projects from £25,000 to £1.5m and implementing class leading technologies and in two cases being one of the first to do so.  All this time I have tried to maintain and cheeky chirpy approach to my job, even in meetings with senior HM Treasure bods.  I have even have an informal disciplinary meeting as my manager thought my management style and approach was too informal and I should distance myself from my staff otherwise I will get no respect!  My answer, I get more respect for being me and listening to them in person than sitting on a lofty perch being cold and distant?  The matter was left there surprisingly.  I only got through my IT career thanks to the people I worked with and the friendships I built up, if I had to do it purely on my own I would have failed for sure.  I treasure and value my friends at work and will do anything for them and will defend what I have with everything I have got.  I think I demonstrated what lengths I will go to when I was subject to a personal attack not so long ago.  I will do the same for those around me too if called upon or required.

I remember joining Sainsbury's and being told that I would not last and that I would be bored and leave.  Good job I did not listen to that piece of advice isn't it?

So where is all this leading, well I have been chewing on some food for thought over the last few days.  I have to say it as been rather chewy and tough going and a little over cooked but I have come to a decision and shallowed it hard.  I have been rather loosely worrying about my current financial situation which is not brilliant to say the least.  Up until now I have been relying on overtime and working silly hours on certain days to keep my head above water.  Sadly the opportunities to do this within GOL are rapidly dwindling.  I have been thinking about the options available and they include getting overtime elsewhere in the store, a full time role in or outside GOL or taking the next step up and applying for a team leader role which there are currently 4 floating around.  I want to stay working within GOL as I enjoy it so much and I get to work with some amazing people.  This lead me to explore and consider a more senior role within the team.

The more I thought about it, the more I explored the possibilities the more anxious I became.  When I reflect on where I have got myself to in the last six months, the experiences and friends I have made, I began to realize that a lot of that would change no matter how much I would try and stop it.  It would also mean that personal life would change and I do not want that to happen either.  I have worked hard to get myself where I am today, it has required a lot of change and work personally and I am not about to let all the come to harm.  If I am not happy and confident in myself then how can I be in my job?  I know I can do the job as I have been picking up bits and pieces along the way and managed to get stuck in when things got sticky a short while ago.  I think I need more of a comfort zone around personal life, my work and me before making the next challenge.  This means finding another way of getting my finances under control and making sure that the next step will not undo what I already have in my life, which I treasure so much.  This is a personal decision based on personal feelings and was in no way influenced by anything else.  I know what is involved in climbing the greasy pole within the work place and if and when I ready I will do it again.

I am not going to let a job shape my life completely anymore; it will have to fit around my life and me this time.  Well that is the plan and I almost lost sight of it again.  Now to tell those involved which could be interesting given the encouragement and expectations that have been set.  This decision could be the nail in any career at Sainsbury’s but as I sad I would rather be sure of delivering a good job where I am than risk making a mess in a more senior position.  It would not be fair on Sainsbury’s or those who I work with and it would not go down well personally if I find myself back at square one.

The last two days have been unpleasant and I think anxiety has been the contributing factor in my being unwell, a big enough alarm bell if I ever needed one.  So it is official, Si, Socks, Pooh, Sci-Fi, Simon is not going to step up just now but don’t hold your breath as he will when he is ready.  For now I am going to enjoy working in a fabulous team for as long as I can.  Enjoy the friends I have and smile politely at those who do not wish to be.  I am going to work hard in GOL, help out, support the department where I can and learn as much as I can about being a general assistant, train as a driver and learn as much about the systems and processes as I can.  In the meantime I will see if I can find the extra hours elsewhere in the store, maybe I can train to be a checkout bod too, what do you think Brian lol?

I value my job but it has got to know its place in the world that is Pooh’s, Si’s, Simon’s or Sci-Fi’s.  I’d say normal service will be resumed tomorrow but what is normal anyway, well for me it is waking up and enjoying each day and going to sleep happy and looking forward to the next.  I got myself into that place and it feels so good.

So after feeling like this for the last few days.........

Out of the frying pan into the ...........!

I can go back to feeling like this......

Cheeky Monkey............!

Now we all know that nothing in life is black and white or that simple, well I think it can be if we try.  I have been keeping things as simple as I can and up until now it has been working.  I have spent a lot of the last few weeks driving in and around the local countryside and it got me to thinking about some of the photographs I have taken and wish to take but not had the right settings to do so.  So I have dug deep into my photographic archive and pulled out some of the landscapes I have taken and reprocessed them in black and white.  Here they are.........

The first two are of a scene that was my mum's favourite and she was going to hang one of them on her dinning room wall shortly before she became ill.

Do you know that if I had not changed and been more assertive within myself I would have carried on and gone for a senior role.  Once again growing a pair comes to the rescue, now to put it to use and face up to going over my finances, the next step.

Time to go an find out how Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are getting on with the SEP field.  SEP stands for Somebody Else's Problem field, a field that is used to disguise an object by convincing everyone but the most determined of people it is somebodies else's problem and therefore does not exist or is not worth bothering with.

Until next time take care.

Pooh, Socks, Si, Simon, Sci-Fi x

Bouncy Betty Bowling - The Dam Busters Dame

I hope this post finds you well, enjoying the beautiful weather we are having, well here in the UK and if I have to narrow it down further in the Royal county of West Berkshire.  Even further ok well in Thatcham?

So how have things been since my last post on Sunday, well contrasting, black and white, day and night, up and down, tall and short, relaxing and frantic?  The last three days have been contrasting to say the least and I will start with Monday.  Well it seems like a good place to start but before I do that I am going to open all the windows and doors in the flat to give it and my woolly head a good air.  That’s better I can feel the breeze go in one ear and out the other head cleared lol.

Monday started like most working days with breakfast, a quiet drive to work and crossing the store threshold into the warmth and hustle and bustle of the shop floor.  I spent some time getting totes prepped, filling the printers with paper, little jobs to keep me busy.  Nothing could have prepared me for the day ahead and you could not have written a script for it.  Well the day officially started at 4am and finished at 5:30pm with 30 minutes for a break.  What happened in between is not important but team GOL stepped up and we got through the worst of it whilst waiting for the cavalry to arrive.  A day of fire fighting, fixing things and lots of shopping, a day that ended with this chap feeling so tired yet so alive and excited.  It has also left me with a wee bit of a problem, well not so much a problem but food for thought.  When I joined Sainsbury’s nothing prepared me for journey I have had over the last 6 months and the people I have met and friends I have made.  I joined Sainsbury as an online shopper, the first step in getting my life back together after a very rough three years.  It was a complete change to my previous career; it was such a refreshing change.

I understand that my approach and passion for my job and the way I work may seem confusing to some, stupid to others and portray me as an ar$e kisser to a few.  But put yourself in my position, 25 years in the IT industry working very stupid hours, days longer than I have been at Sainsbury’s sometimes 7 days a week.  A career that cost me my health, family, friends, marriage, my kids, everything I basically worked so hard for.  To find a job where I do not feel overwhelmed, under pressure, carrying huge responsibilities that are with me day and night.  Having to carry a mobile phone with me everywhere just in case.  When I finish work I leave it at the shop door and I pick it up the next time I go in.  It has allowed me to start rebuilding my life, find myself and make some very special friends.  So if all that means I am willing to work hard and really enjoy my work and being part of an amazing team so be it.  If it is a crime lock me up and through away the key, as I am not about to change my approach but I am not about to let it take over my new and changing life.

So what is this food for thought then, well it comes in two parts, main course and dessert.  The main course is that there are changes happening in the department that mean the hours I have been working will no longer be available and that means I will soon find myself in a position where I can not afford to live day to day.  Now as I want to stay at Sainsbury’s I need to find a job with more hours or find another way of supplementing what I am contracted for.  I have already started training as a backup driver but I cannot rely on that either, I need something more permanent.  This is where the desert comes in, my confidence at work is high thanks to me enjoying the work and place so much.  As a result I am thinking about finding more challenging rolls, possibly becoming a team leader or something similar.  It would mean more money and that would sort out the main course but it would mean me taking on more responsibilities and I am concerned that it will have too big an impact on my enjoyment of working at Sainsbury’s.  I guess it will only if I let it, food for thought indeed!!!!!

Tuesday could not have been a more contrasting day. Well it was not difficult as I was not working that day.  I spent the day out with my camera relaxing and enjoying a game of bowling with some of my work colleagues.  It was good to get together with colleagues outside of work and chill, especially one lady called Mary who once graced the aisles of Sainsbury’s but now terrorizes the local Waitrose.  Mary is one of the sweetest, kindest people I have ever had the pleasure to meet and brings her own special love and laughter to any situation.  As you will see Mary has her own way of bowling that is, well I will let the videos tell the story.  I have also sent them to ITV’s You’ve Been Framed TV show and put them up on YouTube as they are such a scream.  I value my days off a lot more now than I use to and the same can be said for annual leave too.  When I got home I found a letter from America, which was exciting.  Well the excitement did not last long as it was from my namesake in America informing me that his wife of 12 years passed away in April of this year.  What makes this news even more difficult is that I only have his address and that we only communicate via letter one of which I sent to him several days before.  I am currently writing a short letter back which I hope to send to him tomorrow.  Not a good way to end such a special day and my thoughts are with him.

I went to bed with my thoughts busy finding some space and my blood glucose levels dancing a merry song which they started earlier on in the evening.  I woke up today feeling very woolly and out of sorts and this required a short trip to the docs to see if anything could be done.  I must be lucky, as I always seem to ring just when there is a slot free due to a cancellation!!  Everything is in order I am just to be a bit more sensible with my diet and eating patterns which have got a bit out of sorts.  I had planned to go out today with my camera but given I spent 2 minutes trying to unlock the communal bin store with my remote car key it was not going to happen.  Do you know what gave it away, I could not understand why the bin store was not making an unlocking sound yet a car over the other side of the car park was flashing its lights!!!!!!  So I have spent the day doing washing, writing and napping and listening to my song of the moment “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen, a bouncy upbeat song that matches my overall mood and feelings at the moment.

This chap is on a high at the moment and is feeling a lot more confident than he has in the last 3 years that is for sure.

I have also just received confirmation that my place on a Royal Photographic Society assessment day has been accepted for the 16^th July in Bath.  I have a draft panel already put together and 5 images as backup but there are one or two I want to retake, specifically of St Margaret’s in Catmore.  I was due to go there today but never mind there is always tomorrow or the next day or the day after that depending on what time I finish work.

Here are the two video's of Mary giving it some when bowling.

Well that is all for now, until the next time take care.  This chap is off to find out where Arthur Dent is going in the Universe next.

Pooh, Si, Socks and Simon x