Nothing special to report just sounding off!

Wow that was a long day yesterday was, for some reason it is always a long day at work yet it is generally not our busiest day?  It was an excellent shift bopping to my favourite songs, banging trolleys with fellow shoppers and generally having a good laugh.  Boy did I ache at the end, hang on no I didn’t as I have grown a pair, I felt great and full of get up and go!

Amongst a few at work there is a running joke on the days I at work in the form of a question.  I get asked at what time will I finish toady to which I always reply “until the end of shopping”.  With the exception of leaving to attend any appointments I always stay at work until the shopping is finished.  Why, well what’s the point of going home when there is work to be done?  The quicker we get finished the better surely and if there is time to spare we could be helping out elsewhere?  I mean what would the value be of a handful of colleagues spending half an hour or so actively going out on the shop floor to help dress the shelves or help shoppers find what they want?  Just one person walking around the store dressing the shelves and proactively seeking out the customers with puzzled looks would be so amazing.  A roaming customer assistant, after all trying to find someone to answer a question is almost impossible at times!  How do I know, well when I cannot answer a customer’s question I often find it difficult to find a fellow colleague to help?

It was also Mother’s day and although it has been only a short while since my mum pasted away for the first time I felt strong and at ease.  I cannot change what has happened, I could not stop it happening so I am focusing on the positives, the memories I have and trying to live up to her legacy.  I had my break in the Café and decided to sit where I could see the shop floor and watched in amusement at all the dad’s with kids, sons, daughters, and husbands came to get a card, flowers and chocolates at the last minute.  Especially the men as we are so bad at remembering dates, weather its birthday’s, anniversaries or special occasions.  Here is an interesting fact, did you know that where I work sold over 11 million tulips on Mother’s day!

Yesterday also made me realise that I am not one for days of celebration, birthday’s, Christmas, Easter, Mother and Father’s day etc.  To me each day has become a unique day in it’s own right, each a new exciting adventures that is to be savoured completely.  Which neatly leads me on to today.

I woke up feeling tired and weary, as it was my last day at work before I have two days off.  It has been a good week in the sense that a lot has gone on and I have worked hard.  Well I feel I have worked hard!  My shopping IPH score was not very good at 117 but given the long hours and the fact I did double my share of bread and freezer shopping it is not too bad.

There is one thing that has made a mark on the week that I can talk about.  Although it no longer personally affects me I am still aware and concerned by the bullies in this world and how they seemingly continue to get away with being nasty and harmful to others.  It is amazing how people who are sick or in personal trouble get the book thrown at them with all the T’s crossed and I’s dotted yet bullying behaviour is brushed under the carpet or excuses are made.  I have seen it all my working life, yes the bullies finally get their just deserts but not after a lot of pain and unnecessary suffering has been had.  How many people have to suffer before a bully in brought to justice, 1, 5, 10, 1,000, 100,000 or 6 million?  How many people suffer if you are off sick for a day or two, directly one and indirectly very few or none at all.  In my working career I have seen people very ill come into work because any further time off work will result in action being taken by their employers.  A single person who is unwell that is not directly affecting the others suffers yet a single individual who directly and indirectly affects the majority is allowed to walk around scot-free.  Why do we have to continually have to justify over and over again actions to stop people who are hell bent on making other peoples lives a misery.  We now have to make sure it is legal to go to war or stop a dictator from murdering and harming 1,000’s of people.  We have to have a mass out cry after so much suffering to even wake up those who can deal with these issues, even when there is a history of that type of behaviour.  Why are the victims always the ones to suffer the most?  I do not condone physical violence but I sometimes wish I could pull their nasty little heads off bullies and put it where the sun does not shine.

Ok calm Si, calm, think about your two days off.  Two days with no plans other than to go out with the camera and explore.  Two days to have a play with my studio gear, two days to continue to follow the adventures of Arthur Dent and friends.

Here are a few photographs from my travels today.

Until the next time take care.

Si x 

Bread

I want to talk to you about bread an everyday necessity that is used to make sandwiches, toast and puddings to name a few.  Today at work it was my turn to shop Ambient Four, which in Sainsbury’s supermarket speak, is the bread and bakery department.  We have to shop this department once a week although I end up doing more than that.  It has to be the easiest department to shop and it comes with the added bonus of being around when the freshly baked bread comes out from the bakery.  The smell is just drop dead gorgeous, the downside is it makes you so hungry.

Anyway over time I have become familiar with the products we sell and one of the things that has surprised me is the wide range of bread sold.  So you have your white, wholemeal, granary and multi seeded and generally in two sizes, 400 or 800 grams.  But it does not stop there, O no that is just the tip of the iceberg.  You then have Hovis, Kingsmill, Warburtons, Weight Watchers and Sainsbury’s own to name but a few.  We then have the cut, think, medium, with or without crusts or non-sliced and then add to that bread for toasting, sandwiches, basic and taste the difference ranges.  But wait lets not forget the Giraffe (Tiger), Farmhouse, Hand Crafted, Spit Tin, Kalamta Olive, Batch, Sunflower, Bloomer, Sandwich, Country Loaf, Round Pain De Campagne, Cob, Sourdough Boule and a new one on my Well Fired.

I could go on as there is more and you can get the above in most combinations of white, seeded, wholemeal and granary too.  I forgot the baguettes, pitta and bagels too and the crustless, 50/50 and organic.  I get most of them to a point but the one that is beating me is the no crust variety, why?  How difficult is it to cut the crusts off a normal loaf, after all you could feed the birds with the crusts.  Eeeeekkkkk, almost forgot the cut and uncut options too.

It is actually a good laugh shopping the bread section which at the moment also involves lots of Easter Eggs and don’t start me on the themes and variety of those!

It has been a good day today, had a lot of laughs at work and for once we did not finish at silly O clock.  That gave me a chance to catch up on my beauty sleep, well start to catch up.  

I'm off to continue the adventure of Arthur Dent who as been reduced from deep space thanks to a new method of space travel and an improbability factor that just happens to be the same as a telephone number in Islington.

The iPod is on charge ready for the usual Sunday 5 hours of shopping and bopping.

Well that is it for today, until next time take care.

Si x

For God's sake grow a pair!

Yesterday was a crap day hence no post; I really was not in the mood to say anything.  I spent a lot of the day and evening asleep most of which was broken but I was glad to see the back of it.

I crawled into work this morning feeling knackered, sorry tired, but after crossing the store’s cold threshold and into the warmth I started to feel better.  I got my shopping hat on, playlist selected and off I went.  The more I shopped the better I felt, they are right retail therapy does work even if it is someone else’s.  Today was a busy day which saw me shop for 11 hours, I must have enjoyed it as when I finished I felt so good, my feet were saying otherwise but hey!

Today also saw me learn a valuable lesson thanks to a couple of my co-workers or colleagues, as they are officially known.  Apparently I need to grow a pair, or man up, get a grip, step up, as they say and you know they are right.  Looking back over the last two weeks posts I have been a bit of a wet rag.  I have been over thinking far too much and trying to hard.  So I am going to draw a line in the sand, well not so much sand as in this blog, grow a pair and move on.  I am going to package all the issues I have stick them in a bin liner and throw them in the trash……….  There done, from now on it is going to be nothing but positive attitude and thoughts and enjoy everyday no matter what.  This Tigger is going to have a bounce no matter what, as Monty Python say “Always looking on the bright side of life.”

So here is the line and from now on no being a drama queen and if anyone catches me being so they have my permission to give me a smack.  If it to be on the face please take my glasses off first as I have only just got them.

So with all my issues stuffed into a box it is time to move on, no looking back or over thinking just take each new day on with a smile, a bounce and a laugh.

Well I am going to end this post here as I need my beauty sleep.

Until the next time take care.

Si x

Emotionally maturity?

Today has been a relaxing day mainly spent at my desk catching up on all things photographic or so I thought.  This involved sorting through my Royal Photographic Society journals and newsletters and uploading a couple of galleries to my RPS profile.  I continued planning my self portrait project writing down my thoughts, ideas and sources of inspiration.  Whilst doing so I came across a piece of text from photographer Luke Smith that struck a cord with me, here it is.

“Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, and the things you never want to lose.  Yet how soon we lose that impression of what ceases to be constantly before us.  It is this Presence of Absence that becomes our past, which metamorphoses into a memory.  It is our memory that rekindles the light of the past but can only makes a mournful rustling in the dark.  It becomes an internal rumour, the mind’s mirror of what remains when something and does not completely un-happen.  Over time memories fade, drained empty of agony and laughter, evaporating time, burying in the mind and becoming a windows to one’s own past.”

Another quote by Ansel Adams got me thinking about my project to “There are at least two people in my photographs, myself and the viewer”.

But I have also begun to think that although not doomed to fail my level of emotional immaturity is going to shape the results of this project heavily.  The more I discover, think and feel the more I understand how emotionally immature I am.  I have begun to understand that being passionate about something does not mean I have a full understanding or appreciation of its complete worth or meaning.  As things stand I am struggling to think rationally about things and I am finding it hard to find any sort of detachment or position to do so.  I can only take it one day at a time, attempting to do anything else becomes all consuming and to much to handle.  Take today for example I had no plans yet I forgot about a hospital appointment, not for me I might add, but I should have been thinking about it before hand.  Yet stepping out from the appointment I began to understand what small steps mean.  I cannot even begin to image what it is like to be in pain 24 hours a day and yet not know what the cause is or be able to get relief from it.  Again it makes me feel weak willed and immature that I am struggling to cope with my issues yet others around me are clearly struggling more than I am.

I feel conflict within me, an uncertainty that is dark and starting to weight heavy on my shoulders.  I am being to wonder if I have the emotional strength to move on and get myself into a better position is getting in the way of being there for those who need support.  It is finding the balance between thinking about getting better, analysing my feelings and emotions and keeping my approach simple, short and sweet.  Hopefully my photographic project will help me through this turmoil and give me the inner strength and maturity I need.  I wish someone could tell my brain that it is small steps that I have to take, as it is not listening to me or is that the other way around?

Listening to the TV today an episode of Holby City was aired where two relatives were arguing about a critically ill parent who was not going to live.  One wanted to keep trying the other respect the parents wishes to let them go peacefully and comfortably.  It hit home hard as I have been in that situation myself but there were no arguments to be had.  I stood firm and made the decision on behalf of my mum’s wishes to cease all treatment other than what was necessary to make her final days as comfortable as possible.  Is that the act of an emotionally immature man, after all I made the decision purely based on the words of my mother?  There was no way she was going to live much longer and any treatment would only prolong the situation short term.  Then I start to think about all the other decisions I have made in my life and whether or not at the time I was best placed to make them.  If not at what cost was it to those around me, what cost are they paying now?

Am I being to sensitive, over thinking or am I finally beginning to understand myself a lot better?  This wearing my heart on my sleeve is hard work and I am not sure it is always a good thing.  An example, I am reading HHGTG at the moment yet it seems wrong to do so, surely that time should be reading about alcoholism or depression?  Focusing on a photography project, should I be doing that, will my time be better spent doing something else?  I do not know but it is all I know at the present.

I think I need to make a few more small steps and stop thinking and get stuck in.  I am beginning to feel uncomfortably overwhelmed to the point where I want to run and hide in my box but I know that is not the answer.

I had never been academically gifted and I am far from the sharpest arrow in the quiver.  I have always got by on my emotions and feelings, which are not necessarily a good combination but that is all I know.  If I think about it I would not be here today if it was not for the support and love of a lot of people.  You know I think I beginning understand that for the first time in 47 years that I may now have to stand on my own two feet emotionally and that I have possibly never fully done so.  It is funny what conclusions you can come to whilst sorting out photographic journals.

Now whilst visiting the hospital I took my pocket sized compact camera with me and naughtily took some photographs.  Out of order, possibly but I am very pleased with the results.

If you are wondering and I am sure you are, yes I had a drink today, not proud, not happy but tomorrow is another day and another small step.  Sounds dismissive doesn't it, well it is not when sat on the edge of reasoning.

I took the follow photographs with the camera either under a crossed leg or under arm.

Today's post was a bit of an emotion dump fore sure.

Until the next time take care.

Si x

Ouch that hurt!

There may be a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes in this post as I have not reread it as I usually do, sorry.

The day started later than usual for me, 9am to be precise with a big cup of tea and toast and marmalade, just like Paddington Bear.  Did you know there is a bronze statue of Paddington at Paddington railway station; it is by the escalators leading to the underground.

Today was a shopping day for trousers and food.  I have been trying out Aldi for my food shopping and it is surprisingly good and very cheap too.  Ok there are not many of the brand names we are use to but so far everything has been all right.  Their products are priced low too; if it is not half price then it is at least a pound or two off elsewhere.  I worked out that today’s shop was roughly £20 cheaper than where I normally go.  When money is tight that is enough to convince me to move.  You do not get the variety of other supermarkets but most things are covered.  I think the bigger more established supermarkets are going to have to change their ways for sure.  You cannot ignore savings like that for too long and judging by how busy it was these budget supermarkets are becoming more and more popular.  Judging by the cars in the car park it looks like most of the social groups shop there, either that or being on benefits is so lucrative now that Audi’s, BMW’s and Mercedes are the order of the day!

As usual I took my camera with me just in case.  I did get some strange looks walking around Evan’s I must admit and one of the sales ladies appeared to follow me around!  Coming out of Evan’s it was off to PoundLand where everything is, yep a pound.  On the way I had a coming together with a bollard.  I was so busy watching the world around me I failed to notice it.  It was just the wrong height and caught me in just the wrong place and sent the wrong amount of pain through me.  I stood up to see two ladies sat outside a Coffee shop trying not to laugh.  I wobbled into pound land to be told that once I was out of sight they bust out laughing.  I don’t think any permanent damage was done but what a muppet.  In PoundLand a young boy was walking around with a toy that made a noise when you moved it about, it sounded like a goat being strangled.  Now being a father I know how much kids like to repeat something that is new and fun, over, over, over and over again.  I set myself a wager on how long it would take the parents to get either bored or embarrassed by it, I said five minutes; it took a lot less than that.

I do enjoy walking around other retail establishments and watch the staff at work.  I have to admit that the staff at Aldi were very good, especially the checkout staff.  Mind you they do not have Brian, possibly the best checkout operator there is and fast becoming a very good friend of mine.  You do not get five customer recommendations in a few weeks for nothing, respect Brian.  Working in retail is not easy, for one people are parting with their hard earned money and they have high expectations.  Couple that with a lot of peeps find shopping a chore it does not make for a happy situation.  Mind you I do think that some peeps forget that the people who work in retail are people and have feelings.  It was interesting to look at Aldi’s store layout compared to wear I work, how they present products, label them and the quality of the packaging.  God I sound like a right job’s worth, mind you they are very good pay masters with a shop assistant getting nearly a pound an hour more than where I work!  Even working a 20 hour week that it an attractive increase, the question would be can one work the same hours I do currently?  It might be worth investigating if things tail off where I am currently working.  I am very loyal to my employers but if needs must I will have to move if the work is not there.

So how is this one day at a time approach to life going, well it is a struggle as so many thinks need to be planned or scheduled but it is working out.  I like the fact that I can wake up and take it as it comes work aside.  Tomorrow I am not at work and I have no idea what I am going to be doing.  I think it may have something to do with a camera, possibly, maybe, could be!

Now I have a question that is in some respects rhetorical.  I am thinking of going back to Alcoholics Anonymous to help me with my drinking problem.  I tried it before and could not get on with the format or the fact that the theme is heavily influenced with religion and I am not religious.  I think my lack of understanding is a factor but I do not believe in a higher power.  However, if there is some reasoning within the text relating to Jesus Christ I might be interested in understanding it more.  I can accept that a man was nailed to a cross for being outspoken in his beliefs for a better life for all; after all we have modern day examples such as Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi.  What I cannot accept is that there is a God and he is overseeing us all.  Gods lives in our imagination and dreams and they are not real.  The likes of Martin and Mahatma are, they existed and I can relate to that and experience what they said.  It is just hear say when it comes to God and Jesus, I need proof to believe and have faith.  I find it hard to take comfort in something that only has face value.  I am happy to be put straight on this and listen to any reasoning on the subject.

I am an alcoholic, I have a drinking problem and I have just started out on a fresh battle to try and overcome it.  As I have said before I do feel better placed to tackle it and I do understand that only I can make the difference in this battle but with the help of those around me.  Yes I have had a drink today and the excuse is that it is my day off.  Poor excuse I know and I do not feel very proud of it.  I do feel I am going to have more good days than bad from now on and do not feel as far from the light at the end of the tunnel as I use to.

Well I am off to bed and catch up with Arthur Dent as he comes to terms with a depressed robot, two mice and a two headed alien.

Until the next time take care.

Si x