Cancerous Bullies

Yesterday I read a news article that I can directly relate too; the article concerned the passing of a young man after a three year battle with testicular cancer.  He was only 20 years old and had a glittering career in premiership football ahead of him.  I can relate to it as I to have had testicular cancer, mine was at the tender age of 31.  Up until then I did not check myself or even know how to but mine presented itself not in a small lump or growth.  I found out one morning when one of my testacies was twice the size of the other and a little sore and tender to touch.  I saw my doctor at the time who said it was clearly an infection and put me on a two week course of antibiotics.  A week into the treatment nothing had changed, if anything it had got bigger so back I went.  After a short period of reflection he picked up the telephone, made a call, wrote a short letter that saw me heading to hospital the next day for a scan.

Leading up to this point I had noticed that I was getting more tired more quickly everyday.  Some days I was so tired and I had not even done a thing to warrant it.  There would be days when I would feel faint and overcome with tiredness and what should have been a trigger, me collapsing whilst on the telephone to a work colleague.  I put it down to working long and hard hours; little did I know what I had in store.  I think if my testacies had not swollen so it would have been a lot longer in finding out, in that respect I was lucky.

Thinking I was in for a trip through an MRI or Cat scanner I was slightly relieved to find it was the same ultra sound scanner you see doctors use on pregnant women.  The doctor scanned the testacies all over, uumm’d and aaarr’d for a few moments and announced that it was not right and it would have to come out straight away!  I was told to go home prepare a bag and report to the hospital the next day.  No explanation as to why just get ones bum to the hospital which I duly did feeling very frightened and unsure, so much so that upon being put on a ward I broke down.  Not known what was wrong and being dealt with some urgency was not very pleasant.  Over the course of the day I meet the hospital staff who would be responsible for my care from the surgeon through to the recovery nurse.  Still unaware as to what was wrong I laid there trying not to second guess.  The fact I was about to face my first operation in an area we men are very sensitive about was not sitting well.  I don’t remember much about the nights sleep but I don’t think I had much.

If memory serves me well and it usually lets me down on the finer details I was scheduled to have my ops the following morning.  However a very bad road traffic accident meant a child needed emergency surgery and I was asked if I minded waiting.  What a stupid bloody question, firstly because they would already have put the child first anyway and secondly of course is it ok!  I eventually went down in the afternoon and was not happy that they had forgotten to give me the pre meds to calm me down and chill a bit.  It was a bit of a surprise when the anesthetist put the cannula in the back of my hand, that bloody hurt for all of 5 seconds after which I remember nothing.  I remember that my anesthetist was a young Chinese chap with a very nice manner.  The last person I really spoke to was my recovery nurse in my room, sadly I cannot remember her name but she told me that she would be the first person I see when I wake up after the operation.

I remember waking up briefly and that was all.  What happened in fact was I called out for the recovery nurse could not see or hear her so I attempted to get out of bed and go and find her.  I think I either passed out or was knocked out, as I did not wake up until much later.  Apparently the first time I woke up I started to ask where my Autosport Magazine was and promptly went back to sleep.  During this period, unbeknown to me my ex wife was busy demanding answers from doctors and nurses and finally got the surgeon cornered.

It was at this point that it was all but confirmed that it was cancer and that I was going to need treatment to ensure it had not spread.  The good news was it was caught early enough, well so they thought and the outcome was looking positive.  I started my daily routine of getting zapped and getting to know so amazing and wonderful people in the waiting room of the radiotherapy department.  People who were not sad or maudlin but enjoying getting to know those around them and swap stories.  I got to know one elderly lady, in her 80’s if I remember, who basically had cancer head to toe and was only having treatment because her kids wanted her too try.  She had no chance of survival and was very open and honest about it but she felt if it helped her kids deal with it then that is what she should do.  We laughed and shared stories about our lives, hers were fair more interesting than mine for sure.

For me it all happened so quickly that I did not have time to take it in and if I am honest I did not really start to let it until a number of years later when my farther passed away after a battle with the big C, his second battle.  To then have my mum get it as well was difficult to handle and was one of the reasons this chap had a big melt down.  Looking back I think the most frustrating things I remember was the doctors, oncologists and like trying to tell me facts and figures about not only my cancer but my dad’s too.  I do not care for statistics in such cases and it was very refreshing when meeting with my mum’s surgeon and oncologist to be told that it was terminal.  I did not care how long, just knowing the fact it was terminal was enough for me.  They did say it would be a couple of years, time to get her affairs in order, how wrong they were which is why I do not believe in timescales or statistics.  In my mums case it was months not years.

Sharing my mum's journey was very special experience and looking back I took a lot from the experience.  It was not until recently that I could fully appreciate some of the lessons but I was glad I was there for her as she had been for me from the day I was born.

Cancer is a bully; it is selfish, thoughtless and does not care about race, creed or colour.  It knows not of religion, faith or personal beliefs and does not care whether you are rich or poor, short, tall, fat or thin, or clever or silly.  Like bullies who seemly take pride and enjoyment in causing harm and distress in others it is successful but as time goes on we are getting better and better at dealing with it.  When my dad had his treatment it was radiotherapy for his entire body as they did not have the technology to focus the treatment were as with me they could making it more effective.  Cancer will one day meet its match, will we one day put it in is place once and for all, squashing the bully that it is.  It is going to take time and we need to be patient but it will happen.  We will pick out moment right making sure we have all the facts and that will be it, goodbye cancer.  That or we will be able to manage it and put it in its place.

Either way we will beat it one day and I would like to think that we can learn lessons from this, well I have.  As you know I have a particular dislike for one of the darker sides of human nature, bullying in all its shapes and forms.  Thinking about this chap that died so young thanks to the cancer bully got me thinking about the experiences of bullying I have seen during my time, cancer aside.  I think cancer and bullies have a lot in common and we could learn a lot of lessons from treating cancer in dealing with the bullies of this world.

We cannot win the fight against cancer over night; it takes careful research and time.  You cannot rush the fight, as all it will do is laugh and carry straight on without a care.  It is the same with the cancerous bullies of this world, they clearly have a problem, a deep rooted problem that has enveloped them so much that it controls their every thought and action.  They are lost souls in some respects, as I do not believe that deep down they want to behave or act that why yet they do not know how to act any differently.  You cannot change a bully’s behaviour over night or help them should I say.  Short term reasoning will not work and to affect a cure you need to be patient and fully understand the effects of why they behave that why to ensure any helps works.  In some cases a short sharp shock treatment will have an awakening effect but is usually only temporary and only moves the problem somewhere else.  You need to make sure you know, understand and have evidence of the cancerous behaviour before you can truly chose the correct help.  Like cancer bullies will not go away on their own, they will continue to feed and grow without a second thought and whilst they will win small shallow battles they will not win the war.

We must not forget that they are people inside who share and experience the same feelings as the rest of us, it is just they are a little lob sided that is all.  Like the treatment of cancer it is not all plain sailing but it is worth it in the end.  For those who cannot be helped, well it is management all the way which is time consuming but at least it benefits those around them.

I have battled with cancer and I have battled with bullies neither of which frightens me any more.  I won my battle against cancer 15 or so years ago and equally I overcome a similar battle with the bullies at school and during my working and personal career and within the family environment.  I cannot single handedly win the war against cancer but I wish I could.  Occasionally I have needed help with those who bullied me but on the whole and especially during supporting my mum I taken them on myself.  I have got to the point where I no longer feel intimated by others who are hell bent on trying to make my life a misery and those close to me.

So be warned cancerous bullies of this world Si (Socks) is not intimated or scared of you and if you decided to pick on those close to me you better watch your back.  Give me one ounce of evidence, one chance to fight a battle and you will regret it, your battle and possibly the war will be over.  Hey this growing a pair feels so good, I have a mindset and train of thought that is so clear, a confidence that feels so strong and right.  It has always been there as I feel no different but I am beginning to use it in the right way now.  And no I am not spoiling for a fight or going out to start a witch hunt, I am just saying the next time I will be ready that is all.  Why the hell would I spent my time waiting for a battle, there is far more interesting things in this life than cancerous bullies and it is one day at a time remember.

By the way if you are wondering if the above is aimed at any cancerous bullies specifically no, I am just feeling this way as a whole.  Collective reasoning and my experiences from my past summed up in a few words, well when I say a few I mean a few for me!  It is strange yet I feel I have reach a new level of calm and reflection about all of this, over the last week I have found my inner strength and peace of mind and it is sat neatly in my personal box.

Last week was a busy one, especially Thursday that saw this chap shop for 11 ½ hours on the busiest day in GOL since I started.  It was an excellent day even if the aches and pains waited until the next day to show themselves. I still love the job so much and working with an amazing bunch of people makes it even better and I will never tire of saying that either.  There was an evening out arranged for last night, a get together for the GOL team for a few drinks and a chat.  I don’t normally go to evenings like this but at the last minute I decided what the hell.  I am glad I did, I did not stay long but it was an enjoyable evening.  It was a shame I was the only GOL shopper there, the rest were bosses and drivers, Oh and one member of the nightshift and an honoury GOL member.  If we have another one and it does not clash with work I might go again, we will see.

Well I have gone on for long enough, time to catch up on the adventures of Arthur Dent, last seen in the pocket of Zaphod Beeblebrox on Frogstar B.

Socks is in a good place at the moment, not everything is prefect but he is not going to let that get in the way of being there for those who need him and getting on with things.

Until next time take care.

Si (Socks) x