Tired!

Well what can I say?  Well for a start it has taken me seven days to get to a point where I feel I can write what I feel.  I have wanted to blog but found putting my thoughts down trying to say the least.  I have got so much I want to say yet any attempts to put them in writing resulted in paragraphs of “blah blah blah blah”.  Yes I know that is nothing new but even I could not understand it so it must have been bad.  Very frustrating to say the least, could have been a case of blogger’s block, well I am not sure but something was clearly not working.  Any how today I decided to give it my best shot and see where it and post it regardless.  So you have been warned.

Since my last post things have been very interesting, exciting and colourful to say the least.  It has been a good week that has left his chap feeling good and with a new found confidence.  Yes newfound level of confidence that I seem to be able to trust and believe in.  I have always been a reasonably confident chap but it did get knocked about quiet a lot so I tended to hide it behind humour or completely out of sight.  I think this week saw my confidence grow to the point where I can trust it and not worry about it getting squashed or devalued.  I feel that this newly obtained level of confidence is here to stay.  It has been helped in part by the fantastic response to the pooch photographs I took last Monday.  All very positive and complementary and that felt very special.  It means a lot to have something I am very passionate about and created spoken in such high terms.  I’d like to say a very big thank you to everyone who has commented to me in person or one related posts.

I must be feeling good within myself as this week I was presented with something that well lets just say it would have sent me into a very dark place, possibly into A&E again.  Sadly I cannot give the details out but I can safely say it would leave 99.99999999999999999999999999% of you feeling very sick and disgusted.  Yet I sit here with strength and confidence that I feel will get me through the challenge ahead.

Yesterday was an excellent day as I had my first taste of playing on an Xbox 360 when I was invited along with a few colleagues to spend a very pleasant evening chilling out.  We played Tennis, Bowling, Skiing, and Baseball and I have to say it was a lot of fun.  I have never experience an Xbox game before let alone me being the controller.  The food was excellent, the wine lush and the company warm, entertaining and relaxing.  The intention is to repeat the evening but rather than our excellent hosts provide the food the guests will provide food and wine.  Not only that but team GOL need to wipe the smile off Checkouts.  Not only that but Checkouts needs to remember that was the first time for us on the Xbox, be warned we will not take any prisoners next time.  I also think there needs to be more Checkout staff, say a 50 / 50 split between GOL and Checkouts.

Now on to today, got up with no plans made, burnt the several rounds of toast but enjoyed an amazing cup of tea.  I needed to do some shopping and pay a brief visit to work and then I decided to go out for a drive.  Well the best plans of mice and men went out of the window.  After making a brief visit to work I set off for a drive and that is when the plans, not that I had any, went out of the window.  What do you do when you are presented with a lady stranded by a flat, well you stop and inquire if you can be of any assistance?  I did make the point that it was only flat on the bottom but added that it was not safe to drive on.  Looking in the boot I found a tire changing kit that was still wrapped in its purchase packing so had not been used and a very skinny get you home tire which the lady did not want to use or trust.  She did not want to engage a mobile tire repair company so the only option was to take the tire off and get it replaced.  So off we went to the nearest tire company to get it replace and then back to put the repaired wheel on the car so she could safely go about her business.  Well that was a first for me I must say but it felt good to help.  So what else did I do today, well I spent an hour in a church and lit two candles for my mum and dad and reflected on the week past, how I feel and what lay ahead.  I feel I can do some good in the coming weeks and months and that is something I look forward to, it is a refreshing change and feeling.  Si, Simon, Socks with confidence and feeling very good about the direction he is heading.

I have also made a commitment to becoming a backup driver at work, which is something I am very excited about, you never know it might turn into a full time role if it feels write.  I love the environment I work in, that is the Retail Sector; it is challenging and very rewarding to say the least.  I think I might have found my work place home and it feels so good, hello Retail Si is here.

Now the sum total of events this last seven days has got me thinking about trust and the trust I have historically placed in friends, family and the people I have met.  The two people I trusted the most, my mum and dad, are now longer around and the same can be said for the other people I trusted completely but for different reasons, mostly because they have moved away or I have lost touch completely.  Looking back I lost touch with some very good friends for one reason or another, which is crying shame and does not feel good.  Sat here now I can honestly say that there were only a handful of people I truly trusted and bar mum and dad none of them were family.  I have to say that this is still true today and the people with whom I entrust my feelings and worth can be counted on one hand and none of them are family.  In fact I have one finger and a thumb spare on that hand.  So that is three people I have complete and utter faith and trust in, I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing.  Does the number matter; should I be more trusting in those around me?  Well let me clarify what I mean by complete trust.

Complete trust to me is that I can tell someone anything and if I ask it to stay with them it does.  It means I trust their judgment, point of view, beliefs and comments.  It means I do not have to be guarded around them and relax completely in their presence and when talking to them.  In fact I have known all three for 5 years or less!  Why no family or people who I was meant to share the most of lifes precious moments with?  Well looking back I have plenty of reasons and examples of why, especially family.  The idea that family are special and should be unquestionably loved and respect is to me so miss guided.  Some of the shallowest, cold and calculated behaviour I have ever witness has come from members of both side of my family.  This was especially true during the final months of my mum’s life when the behaviour of a number of family members went beyond any expectable limits.  To witness people lie, cheat and show no respect for someone who was terminally ill was beyond belief.  The fact that a members of the family worked in a pact to try and achieve their goal was equally unbelievable.  The same can be said for people I place my trust in completely, shared my thoughts, feelings and life with only to find out that my trust was drawn out and hung up to dry by lies.  The bottom line each time was financial gain pure and simple, each time is was material objectives that drove them and used my trust as leverage.

I’m a friendly and open chap but the chance to get close to me and get to know me completely is no longer the free domain of all.  I am not bitter as I should have seen it coming and although I am not bitter towards those who chose to lie and cheat I will not give them the time of day any more, what trust was there has gone.  Personally I can think of better things to do than be the puppet of anyone who is a bitter and twisted individual that is for sure.

I beginning to understand and relate to a lot more to the behaviour of those around me and peeps in general, I am finding myself in an increasingly bigger and warmer place of confidence and belief.  I feel I am coming out of my shell and starting to interact with the world around me more.  There is maturity to this cheeky chap now but it is not going to take the shine off his cheekiness and fun loving nature that is for sure.  Just smooth off the rough edges here and there.

I almost forget to mention that the breeder of the Basset Hound (Harvey) whom I photographed last week wants photographs too.  That put a very big smile on this chaps face I can tell you.

Now whilst waiting for the ladies tire to be replaced I did take a few pictures with my trusty compact camera, there they are.

Well until the next time take care.

Si (Socks) x