A good Job

As you know I struggle from time to time with emotions and feels and have had a personal roller coaster ride over the last 3 years.  With the help of friends and professional peeps I have managed to get myself to point where it feels like it is more difficult to take a step backwards.  Any step backwards is not a good thing especially given the dark and cold place I have come from.

I have to admit that all the financial, housing, and drinking issues I have are starting to take its toll on my resolution.  Equally the gossiping and bullying I am facing is making it harder and harder to stand fast and given the enjoyment that seems to be taken from this I am sure this will further lighten the mood.

I have been on holiday or annual leave as I call it this last week I have had time to think about all of this.  The fact that some of my camera gear is now starting to sell means that I am slowly working my way towards getting myself in a position to deal with the possibility of having to move.  On the downside I am selling things that my mum allowed me to buy and that does not sit well at all but I have no one else to blame other than myself and I have never done so either.

What I have found difficult is not having anyone to talk to and no that does not mean I cannot talk to my partner, she has been a rock through all of this.  I doubt there would be many who would have put up with me over the last 4 to 5 years.  Not only did I introduce alcoholism and financial insecurity into their life but one very emotionally mixed up chap.  We do talk and yes sometimes they find out my current thoughts through my blogging but then so do I.  I have friends who have been very supportive and offered advice and that has kept me going.  So have the frequent life style posts I get on my Facebook news feed, I call them gentle reminders.  Then there is this blog which is basically me talking to myself, getting my thoughts out so I can understand them, or try to understand them.  So if you ever wonder why some posts do not make any sense that is because I am not making any sense myself.

Take today if it was not for the fact that I had to post some camera gear I sold last night I would have stayed in bed for a lot longer than I did.  I did not want got get out of bed this morning, mind you it was the early hours of this morning that I finally went to bed.  After visiting the post office where I caused a bit of a stir by making everyone laugh to loudly which made the store manager come out of his office.  She was not assumed I could tell you, you’d think we were in a library the look I got.  You get asked so many questions now a days when posting something I thought I would head them off at the pass by saying “It is worth less than £100, it requires no batteries, is not electronic, it is not breakable and therefore can take a good beating, is not for business purely pleasure and yes the package shape is a little strange.”  Still it made me feel better for getting out of bed that is for sure and made the staff and customers laugh.

I’ve have been reading a lot when I am not sleeping and have spent some time with Charlie Chaplin, Steve Jobs, Winston Church to name a few.  So it was a pleasant surprise when I saw the following quote from Steve Jobs on my Facebook news feed.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs

Steve’s life was cut short by the big C and we were robbed of a genius and I am proud to be the owner of one of he legacies, an Apple Mac.  It is more than a computer, it is the romantic visual of someone who designed and created things with a passion.  You look at a desktop computer from the likes of say Dell or HP, look at their design not the technology as all share the same technology.  They are function yet uninspiring, they have no grace or form, you put it on your desk and yes it is your sunny new computer but it soon becomes another part of the future.  You own an Apple computer you do not own a piece of future, you own something that is alive and part of you.  It has feelings and emotions and becomes part of your life.  If you get this great if not sorry but I cannot put it any other way.

It is like my camera gear, I did not buy it because it was the best or the market leader or the one all the reviews said I should have.  No I brought it because the company who manufacture it, Sony, took the time to understand my requirements, always answered my questions and were only focused on my needs and not bashing the competition as well.  There was the personal touch something that was sorely missing from everyone else and something I value more than anything else.

Anyway back to Steve Job’s quote, a quote that has struck a cord and helped me clear up a few things and stick a steak in the ground with a sign on it saying one way only.  Timely I think.

I am a sensitive chap and my heart is on my sleeve and the majority of my thoughts are out in the open.  I am polite to all that I meet, even those who outwardly show nothing but contempt for me and my very existence, and although I have a thick skin I do struggle with negativity, nasty behavior and bullying.  I do find it hard to understand when a friendship or relationship turns from being friendly to not so without rhyme or reason.  I don’t use others to find out why, I do not use the gossip mill to help, and I only talk to the person involved 1 to 1 if I can.  I have let the gossip and bullying nag me to long and it stops here.

As Steve says you have a limited time and I have wasted enough of it living my life based on other’s thoughts and opinions.  Someone does not like me that is fine so long as they keep that to themselves or comes and see me about it, someone has a problem with me or something I have said or done that is fine I am happy to talk but not in public or find out via the gossip mill.

Before I continue I need to own up to not taking my medication this morning, see what happens when I let things get to me.  It might explain why I am feeling a bit weird or is that weirder than usual.  Now I know I am just about to get a telling of having announced this so hang in the post does continue, I hope!

I need to find the courage to follow my heart and intuition from now on, which I think I have started to do today.  I have a big heart and a lot of passion and feelings and I know that is not a bad thing, something to start of with.  The idea of keeping it simple is slowly working and over the last few days I have already decided to make some major changes to my photographic ideals.  Find the courage I say, maybe it is already here yet I did not know I had it?

From this point on things are going to be different thanks to the little nudge I got from Steve Jobs.  I am not going backwards as if I do I am very scared of what that means given how I feel at the moment.  I am not going back to that dark place, that was not funny and I am not going to let anyone push me there either.

So from now on I am going to listen to my heart and intuition that is what is going to guide me from now on.

Until the next time take care.

Si x