ANGRY

I cannot sleep and reading is not helping so I thought I would put fingers to keyboard and just type what comes to mind.  Which is why dear blog you are being treated to a second post, two in one day, to much well hang in there old fruit.  That is after I remembered to take this evenings medication, something I forgot to do this morning.  So I went through the day without my happy pills, typical.

I have also not had a drink today either, yes this alcoholic had an alcohol free day.  I am being ever so slightly flippant in the use of the word alcoholic as according to government guidelines you can only drink one day a week and still be an alcoholic.  It is a term that seems to have many meanings to many people and in turn each meaning defines the character of the person being labeled.  Yes I have a problem with alcohol and it does not make me feel very good.  Yes it is buggering up and has buggered up things and yes I am the only one to blame and I am the only one that can do anything about it.

It is an escape for me and I use it to blur out the troubled parts of minded or at least muffle them temporarily.  Naturally it does not solve problems, in fact it introduces more or adds strength to the ones I already face.  Is it cowardly to use it as an excuse to hide, yes for sure?  Is it weak to seek an answer in the bottom of a glass, bottle or can, yes?  Do I have the strength of character to meet this fight head on, no it would appear not?  Am I ashamed at the promises and comments I have made with regard to my fight against alcohol and the progress I have made yes?  You know the comments, “I promise I am going to stop drinking”, “this is my last drink ever” or “I am going to cut down”.

I am not proud of the issue and I am not proud of my ability to date to overcoming it.  I have been taking one step at a time and trying to focus on one issue at a time.  This in itself has been a challenge and is not helped by the drinking.  I know people make hay with the contents of this blog and the things I say.  Announcing that I have a drink problem, actually it is not new news as I have mentioned it before, but I so much of late.  No I have not been hiding away from the issue or ignoring it.  It is present every time I buy an alcohol and have a drink.  I know what it could be or is doing to my body and I know what it has done to my life.

So why am I still drinking, is it because I am a weak willed, pathetic, shallow and selfish individual with no stretch of character?  Someone who has no regard for anything other than my own existence and the hope of finding an answer at the bottom of a glass!

Whilst journeying through the hospital today I passed the ward that deals with the results of excess drinking.  Sorry I cannot remember the medical name for it at present.  It got me thinking; if I carry on behaving the way I do I could well end up there and that is not something I feel very proud of.  I am clearly being irresponsible and bloody selfish.  If the NHS has to proved care for me because I am knowingly doing something harmful to myself that is drawing much needed time, money and care away from those who have not been given any choice.

No I am not ranting out as form of self defence or belittling anyone other than myself.  I am not at liberty to make judgment calls on others but I do have the right to do so about myself.  I have been very quiet today, not said much to anyone other than those who I helped to find parking places this morning or to doctors and nurses where I wore my best smile.

I am very angry, yes very angry within myself and with myself.  I have often described the frustration at my actions and myself but that has changed and it has become pure anger now.  I am unsettled about this feeling and at present I do not know what to do with it.  I know bottling it up or doing nothing is not an option; I need to be able to turn it on its head somehow and use it to solve the problem.  Remember the issue I had with my photography being brought into question, well my response to that barely registered on the anger scale, the needle hardly moved and my reactions to it were timid compared to how I feel now.

I am becoming increasingly angry with myself, my actions and reactions and the decisions I am making or not.  It is 21:49 and I should be tucked up in bed sleeping but I cannot.  I cannot clear my head or pocket up how I feel and deal with it in my dreams.  Sleep is meant to be the bodies’ way of recharging and the mind parceling up the day’s thoughts ready for the next day.  Well it is not happening, even watching the bats feeding out in front of the flats is not helping.

This is not self-pity, I do not feel sorrow for myself.  I do feel sorry for the peeps who have to put up with this.  This is me trying to understand how I feel and not making a very good job of it.  They are my bloody thoughts and feelings surely I should be able to understand them.  Well I do not fecking well understand them and I am very pissed off, no I am fucked off, right bloody off.

My drinking has left me without the ability to reason, allow me to think clearly and be a responsible person.  How do I know if my judgment and reasoning are correct or well placed if I cannot understand myself and my feelings?  Over tired, over thinking, all over the place?  At this point in time I do not even know if I can stand up for myself.  1073 words and I am not sure I understand what has been written.  Maybe tomorrow or the next day it will make sense, maybe not.  All I know at the present time is that I am feeling ANGRY.

Sorry for the swearing but my limited vocabulary and mood did not allow for anything other than the most basic of words to come out.

Well I am off to read a book and maybe get some sleep that or look up what Anger means.

Si