Yesterday was a funny old day, full on from
the word go until I sat down to start to write this post. I was going to leave it a day or two when I
had more time and was not so tired but my fingers were itching. The day started as planned, Monday that is, but
things soon started to change.
Yesterday morning was all about hospital
appointments, all in Reading but in different buildings. The first challenge was parking which given
previous experiences can be a hit and miss affair. It turned out that getting there was the
first challenge but thankfully an early start saw us get there with a few
minutes to spare. My role today was to
provide moral support, act as driver and ensure that the necessary questions
were asked or the right information given.
The first appointment dealt with and we even had time for some amazing
coffee and tea in between. Aside from
making some progress, not as much as I would have liked, it was a positive
trip. Where it fell down for me is where
the appointments took place, the Royal Berkshire Hospital (RBH).
Now there is nothing wrong with RBH, my
personal experiences and my mum and dads have been nothing but very
positive. Where it fell down yesterday
was in the fact that this was the first I had to visit the hospital since my
mum passed away. Walking down the same
corridors and passing the same wards where mum spent her final days did not sit
very well with me. It brought back to
many memories, the parking, the coffee shop, the corridors, shops, the ward,
and empty beds along the corridors. The
sights, sounds and smells brought a raw edge to the memories and it was not
helped when I paced around the waiting room only to look out of the window to
see the entrance to A&E. It was
where mum was taking into the hospital and where on the grass verge outside I
had to make the very difficult phone calls to people that she was no long with
us.
Up until now I had given little thought to
the last two weeks of my mums life but they came all rushing back
yesterday. It was almost as if I could
recall every detail. Mum fell into a
coma soon after arriving at hospital thanks to an impatient Bob. Bob by the way is what I called the tumor
that took mum from me. I remember
running to and from the relatives room given mum a blow by blow account of the
grand prix at the time. Mum was never a
true follower of Formula 1 but she took up the mantle left by my dad and we
always shared our thoughts and opinions on the subject. I remember the cups of tea provided by the
nursing staff and I remember the amazing job they did in ensuring that mum was
as comfortable as possible. I remember
the endless phone calls to friends and family and the constant updates and the
frustrations where there was little or no news to report. I remember the support I received, especially
from my partner and how my mum’s final weeks and final passing brought out the
true character in people.
Whilst visit put me in a reflective mode
whilst not in the appointments it did not upset me. Even though it is only three and a bit years
ago I have got to a place where I know I cannot change events and hold only the
positives close to hand. Yes the
negatives are there too but they are securely locked away safe and sound, there
for reference and that is all.
Yesterday was also meant to see me working
the night shift but a few texts later it saw me working the late night GA
shift. The shift was full on from the go
but it was so much fun and although I was tired when I got home I felt good. I like to think I add value when I go to work
and try and go the extra mile. No that
is not a boast just the way I work. I
work as hard as I can when I can and if I see something that needs doing I do
it. I am not one of these people that
say it is not in my contract or it is above my pay grade. If I am asked to do something and it is
reasonable as in that it is legal and within my capabilities I will do it. But I have learnt that there is a limit and I
learnt that lesson the hard way. I was
due to work a night shift today but I am so tired it is not just possible. I did not get much sleep last night so had to
resort to a sleeping tablet early morning to knock me out. I slept for most of the morning and woke up
just in time to get my desk tidied ready for the lady to arrive and photograph the
flat ready for it to go on sale. The
uncertainty over where I am going to live and how getting there is going to be
achieved is still bothering me which is the main reason for the lack of sleep.
All I know is that although I have shaken
the majority of the negative thoughts and I am on the whole a very positive
chap now it still hard to be so completely all the time. I prefer to be quiet when I am unsure how I
feel and cannot get my head around things.
That way I do not spout as much rubbish as normal. I know I cannot help but be wrapped up and
controlled by my emotions and that a lot of them tend to show themselves. It does appear to get me into the
conversations and gossip mill of others more offend than not and make one or
two peeps feel a wee bit uncomfortable.
No matter how hard I try it is very difficult for me not to show my
feelings or react to a conversation with my emotions on display. Last week I tucked myself away in the Freezer
section of the store as I did not feel comfortable with how I was feeling and
was unsure how to behave. It did mean
that my shopping pick speed took a knock but it was still above the required
limit that was encouraging. I did nearly
get a whole shop wrong but thankfully I managed to catch it in time that was fortunate.
That got me thinking about what if I had
got it wrong and it went through to the customer? I could have so easily just said hang it all
or not paid as much attention and in some respects I could easily say the same about
the predicament I am currently in. Every
now and then I get to a point where I say hang it all, sod it all, what is the
point of banging my head against a wall.
Do you know what stops me, well you can guess and you might be
lucky? What stops me is that to stop and
give in would mean giving up everything that I have, have worked for and care
for. It would mean still on my own with
only my thoughts and possibly the clothes on my back. The idea of just having the clothes on my
back is a scary enough notion but losing all the love, passion and colour from
my life is more so. But worse than that
is being left on my own with just my thoughts for long periods of time, that is
very scary and I do not think it would be very healthy for me. I need people around me, I need to see smiles,
hear laughter and feel a cuddle or two every day. I think if I was left on my own the place I
would quickly find myself in would be so dark that not even the faintest of
light or colour would get in. I have
come to the conclusion that I need people around me, I need to experience all
the amazing emotions that we as humans can share. Even the nasty ones as they provide a
contrast and greatly appreciate the nicer ones even more.
We are such fragile things aren’t we; need
to express emotions whether they are passionate and warm or cold and
hurtful. Even the most abrupt, cold and
calculating of us need to and do seek human interaction all bit it on a
different level and for different reasons.
It is true that I do seek validation some of the time, some might call
it being needy, we are our worst own enemies sometimes when it comes to
understanding ourselves completely. I
use my photography to create the space I need to start to trying and sort
things out or to escape. I have tried
the bottom of a bottle or can but always end up disappointed at the
outcome. But nothing beats seeing a
genuine smile, feel a warm hug or having an interesting conversation or just
listening to someone talk. I think I
need to do some more listening and not just at people trying to help me but
also just generally talking. I think I
might learn so much more.
Now tomorrow beckons, that is Wednesday,
and I have to decide what to do. I think
the camera is coming out regardless so that is a good start. Where it is going to take me I am not sure but
the weather looks nice. I am tempted to
go back to the church at Catmore and spend some quality time working on the
outside and in. Or I might go on the
hunt for a new church, or just take a walk around the lakes or even go to
Didcot Railway Centre or……………!
Anyway I have been reprocessing some of my
Didcot Railway Centre photographs and here are a few explains.
Until next time take care.
Si x
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