SLEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP

We all know about alarm bells whether it is a fire alarm, car alarm or the alarm that wakes us up in the morning.  Bar the alarm that wakes us up in the morning how many of us take a great notice of the rest.  Ok the fire alarm maybe but there is always that pause for thought, is this a test do we evacuate the building?  I have a little story about fire alarms I would like to share.

As you might or might not know I spent most of my working life looking after a datacenter that supported all the IT system for my local council.  Now in the 20 odd years I was there we only a handful of fire alarm but plenty of drills.  Now the datacenter looked after over 130 individual systems the majority of which were used on a daily basis.  The infrastructure to support them was very complicated and not something that took kindly to having it’s power supply removed at a moments notice.

Now the people for testing and maintaining the fire alarm procedures decided that only a select few were to be made aware of the drills and when they were scheduled to take place.  Sadly IT was not one of them and I was under strict instructions to isolate the power supply to the computer room in the event of a fire alarm.  The same people who decided on the select audience for fire alarm drills gave us this edict!  So one morning happily processing work and doing what IT bods do in a datacenter the alarm went off.  Without hesitation I ordered peeps out of the computer room and to their evacuation points and as I left I press the emergency stop button that cut the power to the data centre in the blink of an eye.

Now you do not bring back to life computer systems that have been cut off at the knee in a moment’s notice, especially when there are so many dependencies between systems and timely recovery procedures.  But not 10 minutes after getting back in from the drill people sat back at their desks were on the phones ringing asking where their email and systems were and the people to complain the most were those responsible for the fire alarm drills.  It could take anywhere from 4 to 8 hours to recover the systems and yet they refused to change the drill procedures and let us know in advance.  That was until they scheduled a drill at month end and it took over 3 days to get all the systems back.  It was funny that we suddenly started to know about the drills in advance and they kicked themselves when they forget to tell us.

Yet I do not worry about car alarms, they are going off all the time.  A neighbour brings home a new car and proudly parks it in front of their garage.  Walks around it several times and seeks a peek to see who is peeking through the curtains with envious eyes.  Not 30 minutes after sitting down their car alarm goes off and they get up and go out and disarm it then rearm it, peace is restored.  This happens two or three times and on the third time they check the car doors and boot to make sure.  Some of the neigbhours get up check that is all ok but after the third time give up.  Several hours pass and then it goes off again but this time only the owner gets up but this time just points the remote out of the window and switches it off.  This happens on and off for several days and the neighourhood switch off but curse the bloody car and its owner.  Unbeknown to all the car is then stolen because the alarm is off due to complaints and the owner could not get it fixed in a timely manner!

Where is this going, well I have been good at taking notice of some alarms in my life but not all of them.  The fact that someone’s car is or is not getting stolen is not the end of the world to me; the same would if it was my car to a point.  It is a car, a material object I can get another one, walk or ride a bike.  The mistake I have made is not listen to the personal alarms going off lately.  They have been there sounding away but like the car alarm I have been dismissing them, what a bloody fool I have been.  Sadly unlike the car alarm I feel that it is going to be more damaging to me than if my car was going being stolen.

I have not been sleeping well over the last week and over the last two days I have had a few hours of poor sleep, other than that I have been wide awake and currently feel exhausted.  I have been increasingly troubled by a nagging feeling (alarm) going off in my thoughts to the point where it started to scream at me yesterday.  I lead in bed watching the walls and ceiling, reading a book and trying to get to sleep but to no avail.  I then did something I have not done for a long while, I woke up my partner and told her watch was troubling me.  We talked about it and the more we talked the quieter the alarm bells became.  I have not done a lot of talking lately other than to myself in my thoughts or through this blog which is again to myself.

The cause of the alarm bells and subject of the conversation, my application for the job at work which I have mentioned previously.  I have always said it would be a big step and after taking everything into consideration I realise that it will be a step to far.  I will lose the ability to be there for the people who matter to me as work will take over to much of my time and I will not have the flexibility to do anything about it.  I have already let down those I hold close to me, the love passion and friendship and that does not sit well.  I got myself into a good place and let the need for money get in the way.  I did not think it through properly and panicked myself into applying for the job.

I know I can do the job but that is not the point, I know I can face up to the challenges it presents but that is not the point.  I know I need the money but that is not the point.  The point is that it would have a negative effect on my life and the good place I got myself into.  It would affect those around me in a bad way and I am not willing to allow that to happen.  I have already lost so much to the pressures of work I am not about to let it happen again.  As for the lost of the money well I’d rather have the people I care for around me and have a good relationship with them than lose everything because all I could focus on was my work and money.  What this decision means I have no idea but I am willing to take it on the chin.  So I have written a letter explaining the reason why to my boss and that will be delivered tomorrow.

How I could even begin to lose sight of the fact that the people in my life are more important that money and a job is the scary part.  I tried to take the next step and almost went in the wrong direction.  Well stepping back and having a rethink, there has to be a better way forward.  One that does not me mean me hurting those I care for.  I do feel so stupid and I can see the panic inside me but I am not sure what to take from the last few days other than I hurt people’s feelings.  There is certainly no self pity here, I got it wrong, I have hurt peoples feelings and that is what matters the most.  The fact that I do not get a senior position or that it will possibly have a negative affect on my place with Sainsbury’s is something I can live with.

Now dinner is over and I have washed up, time to see if the sleeping tablets are going to do their thing tonight and let me have the sleep I want and need.

Until next time take care peeps.

Si x