Wow the last 7 days have been amazing, very
busy, interesting and character building for sure. Given I am meant to be focusing on one thing
at a time I did pretty well last week.
It had to be one of the most full on weeks in the last six months that
is for sure. One full of extreme highs
and lows and I thank my lucky stars that I was in a good place personally when
it started. Looking back over the week
and remembering where I was personal six months ago I hate to think how I would
have reacted to the same events then. I
don’t think it would have been very well that is for sure.
The start of the week saw me facing one of
the most difficult personal challenges to date.
It’s scope, depth and possibility for causing harm and upset it ranks at
the top of my personal list. Upon being
presented with the challenge it shocked me through to the core, it touched
parts of me I thought to deep, feelings and emotions I thought would never be
called upon. Out of respect and decency
to all those involved I will not reveal the details but I will say it would
make most decent folks sick to the core.
I remember hearing the details for the first time and as I did this
hollow dark space inside me came into beginning. It filled with the darkest anger I knew, an
overwhelming feeling of disbelief and a sickening feeling in the bottom of my
stomach. Yet mixed with all this was a
clear sense of belief and that no matter what things would be ok in the end. It did not stop the rest of the day beginning
taken over by the challenge and as I sat down at home nearly becoming
overwhelmed by it all. Piece by piece I
put my thoughts together, walked myself through all the possibilities and
outcomes testing to see if I was in danger of falling back into the dark place
I found myself six months ago. Nope I knew that no matter what the path to
tackling this challenge would involve there was going only be one rightful
outcome. I faced a difficult journey
knowing that the outcome would be right and that felt so good and I drew
strength from that.
I have come out of this personal challenge
feeling even more confidence and stronger as an person but I know I would not
have got through it without already being in a good place. Over the last few weeks I have begun to
understand and trust a new found level of confidence and self belief and what
better a test than a deeply personal challenge?
Where I am emotionally and personally is new to me, I feel I have grown
as an individual. Grown in strength and
depth thanks to new experiences and emotions.
A lot of this can be put down to the new job and friends that I have
made over the last 6 months. If you are
stuck in a job you do not like or are feeling bogged down and in a rut change
it. It is a big step and takes a leap of
faith but changing your job or career can and will change your life. I went from having a high pressure career, no
personal time or personal life, a life that saw me journeying down a small cold
tunnel with no light at the end, to a career that was colourful and fulfilling
for the right reasons. Yes I have taken
a massive drop in wages and I am currently fighting the financial daemons at my
front door but I could not be happier. I
no longer travel down a small cold tunnel but walk around a colourful,
fulfilling and spacious world that happens to include my place of work.
Anyone who has got themselves out of a very
dark place or is on that journey knows that the fear of always making one step
forward and one or more back is all to real and present. I have over the last two years found myself
back at what I thought was square one on several occasions but each time I was
able to get going that much quicker and move forward with renewed vigor. I feel I have got myself to a point where the
doors to that dark all consuming place are firmly locked. I still have a number of big challenges ahead
not least my drinking and financial position but both are becoming less and
less troubling and rather than feeling like all consuming challenges they have
lost a lot of their shine and menace.
I guess you have been wondering why I have
not mentioned my drinking issue of late, no I am not shying away from it, and
it is still at the forefront of the challenges I face. I am determined and will get on top of it and
I am confident especially after facing the personal challenge this week that I
have the necessary weapons in my armory.
This brings me to another point, judge me by all means on the content of
this blog but it is not the whole story of Si (Socks) or Simon. I have limited time and thanks to a botched
education ability to convey my thoughts and feelings. I have to admit I often leave a post feeling
it is lacking but thinking that tomorrow is another day to put any point I
missed down. This is a personal diary
don’t forget, my thoughts for the day or since the last post, in a sense a very
important part of my journey.
So where are the highs you mentioned, well
remember the photographs of Mr H, Harvey the hound, well the breeder has seen
one and wants a copy, very big smile? I
have more than one photograph naturally so she will be getting 18 photographs;
I am just battling with getting the quality of the prints just right. Sadly I have run out of ink so have to wait
until the new batch arrives. There is
the high off getting out with the camera; the highs of spend time in the
company of an amazing lady and work. I
have to admit I did over do the work bit yesterday in that I spent 12 hours
shopping, a record for me and boy did I know it. The knock of effect was I was dead to the world
today and spent a good part of it in bed.
So the lesson to be learnt is that I will shorten my hours day by day
but get more out of each day. No more 3
or 4 o’clock finishes, time to call it 12 or 1 at the latest. Sorry GOL but Si (Socks), Simon is needing to
take a measured approach.
Well I am going to cut it short here as I
need to get some beauty sleep.
Until next time take care
Si (Socks) Simon x
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