Bump, bump, bump, bumpy, bump. I think that best describes the last two days
for me which have been challenging too say the least. One of the causes has been roller coaster
ride I have been taken on thanks to my blood glucose levels, yes believe it or not I have diabetes. For whatever reason I have not been able to
get on top of them and they have been up and down on their own freewill. It has been frustrating for sure especially
when there is very little you can do about at that moment in time. I don’t think that was the root cause though and more as a result of how I am feeling personally.
Having got myself into a very good place
personally in the last few weeks some new challenges have come along that have
upset the apple cart. Having settled
down in my job and made some amazing friends things have been feeling very
good. Thanks to the combination of the
job and the new friends my confidence levels and emotions have been on a high. It has felt so good and I have enjoyed each
and everyday no matter what it brings. I clearly have changed
because I have noticed that people’s perception of me has changed, not in every
case but in one or two. On occasion I
have almost felt like I need to apologise for being so happy and enjoying my
life. It is almost as if I should feel
guilty about being where I am and to be honest I don’t see why I should. My confidence at work has been seen as ar$e
kissing and brown nosing rather than a chap just trying to do the best job he
can. I have never kissed ar$e to progress at work and I certainly will not do so now.
I have always worked hard and been
conscientious at work and taken pride in my work. I have never had the confidence to climb the
career ladders wherever I have worked and mainly done it by being in the right
place at the right time or having been jobless so needed to push to get a
particular role. I worked at my local Council
for 20 years starting as a trainee computer operator and left as a Senior
Corporate Analyst in charge of the datacenter and its team. During that time my roles and
responsibilities became broader rather than taller but it provided me with a
solid foundation in technical and management skills. Looking back all that was missing was a good
dose of self confidence, something that has been missing throughout my
career. My move to the private sector
was a complete disaster and thanks to the lack of confidence I was like a fish
out of water. It was also at this point
my marriage was falling apart and things started spiral down into the blackness
I was to find myself shortly after.
After the private sector I found myself
back in the public sector working at another council but in a position that was
new, the most senior role I had ever occupied in my career. Looking back I was doomed in that role too
and out of my depth, as I did not have the strength of character and confidence
to do justice to the role and the people I worked with. It was around this time that my mum became
ill and died shortly afterwards. After
this things were well difficult and looking back it is all a blur.
The need to get a job soon came a calling
and trying to get a job outside IT was providing difficult as recruitment
agencies took one look at my CV and said “You’re an IT bloke”. I managed to get a junior IT role at a local
secondary school and tried to settle in and start to get things back in order. I never settled, I did not enjoy the work
even though I could do it standing on my head.
I picked up projects to run using my project management skills but it
still did not feel right. I was not
enjoying the work and no matter what I did I could not get emotional about
it. I grew more and more stressed and
that made me ill and it eventually lead to me giving up the job. I found I could not commit to the role and it
was not fair on my employer especially when there are a lot of very eager and
capable people out there. We parted
company and I was facing an uncertain future but job and emotionally.
If you have read this blog before you will
know that getting a job outside IT was the first step in getting my life back
together. I was going to tackle my
issues one at a time and ensure that I had a solid foundation to move on from
before taking on the next one. This is
where Sainsbury’s came in and my job as an online shopper. My passion for the job, the company and the
people I have meet is well documented in this blog and at times I feel like I
should be apologizing for this. But I am
not going to, I have got myself out of a place that I would not wish on anyone,
a place where I seriously considered ending it all thanks to the last 25 years
hanging over me. Although I made to
attempts to do it they were half hearted and I guess that was down to the
fighting spirit I did not know I had stopping me.
25 years of being a trainee, senior member
of staff looking after teams from 3 to 12 strong, managing IT projects from
£25,000 to £1.5m and implementing class leading technologies and in two cases
being one of the first to do so. All
this time I have tried to maintain and cheeky chirpy approach to my job, even
in meetings with senior HM Treasure bods.
I have even have an informal disciplinary meeting as my manager thought
my management style and approach was too informal and I should distance myself
from my staff otherwise I will get no respect!
My answer, I get more respect for being me and listening to them in
person than sitting on a lofty perch being cold and distant? The matter was left there surprisingly. I only got through my IT career thanks to the
people I worked with and the friendships I built up, if I had to do it purely
on my own I would have failed for sure.
I treasure and value my friends at work and will do anything for them
and will defend what I have with everything I have got. I think I demonstrated what lengths I will go
to when I was subject to a personal attack not so long ago. I will do the same for those around me too if
called upon or required.
I remember joining Sainsbury's and being told that I would not last and that I would be bored and leave. Good job I did not listen to that piece of advice isn't it?
So where is all this leading, well I have
been chewing on some food for thought over the last few days. I have to say it as been rather chewy and
tough going and a little over cooked but I have come to a decision and shallowed it hard. I have been rather loosely worrying about my
current financial situation which is not brilliant to say the least. Up until now I have been relying on overtime and working silly hours on certain days to keep my head above water. Sadly the opportunities to do this within GOL
are rapidly dwindling. I have been
thinking about the options available and they include getting overtime
elsewhere in the store, a full time role in or outside GOL or taking the next
step up and applying for a team leader role which there are currently 4
floating around. I want to stay working
within GOL as I enjoy it so much and I get to work with some amazing
people. This lead me to explore and
consider a more senior role within the team.
The more I thought about it, the more I explored the possibilities the more anxious I became. When I reflect on where I have got myself to
in the last six months, the experiences and friends I have made, I began to realize
that a lot of that would change no matter how much I would try and stop
it. It would also mean that personal
life would change and I do not want that to happen either. I have worked hard to get myself where I am
today, it has required a lot of change and work personally and I am not about
to let all the come to harm. If I am not
happy and confident in myself then how can I be in my job? I know I can do the job as I have been
picking up bits and pieces along the way and managed to get stuck in when
things got sticky a short while ago. I
think I need more of a comfort zone around personal life, my work and me before
making the next challenge. This means
finding another way of getting my finances under control and making sure that
the next step will not undo what I already have in my life, which I treasure so
much. This is a personal decision based
on personal feelings and was in no way influenced by anything else. I know what is involved in climbing the
greasy pole within the work place and if and when I ready I will do it again.
I am not going to let a job shape my life completely anymore; it will have to fit around my life and me this time. Well that is the plan and I almost lost sight
of it again. Now to tell those involved
which could be interesting given the encouragement and expectations that have
been set. This decision could be the
nail in any career at Sainsbury’s but as I sad I would rather be sure of
delivering a good job where I am than risk making a mess in a more senior
position. It would not be fair on
Sainsbury’s or those who I work with and it would not go down well personally
if I find myself back at square one.
The last two days have been unpleasant and
I think anxiety has been the contributing factor in my being unwell, a big enough alarm bell if I ever needed
one. So it is official, Si, Socks, Pooh,
Sci-Fi, Simon is not going to step up just now but don’t hold your breath as he
will when he is ready. For now I am
going to enjoy working in a fabulous team for as long as I can. Enjoy the friends I have and smile politely
at those who do not wish to be. I am
going to work hard in GOL, help out, support the department where I can and
learn as much as I can about being a general assistant, train as a driver and
learn as much about the systems and processes as I can. In the meantime I will see if I can find the
extra hours elsewhere in the store, maybe I can train to be a checkout bod too,
what do you think Brian lol?
I value my job but it has got to know its
place in the world that is Pooh’s, Si’s, Simon’s or Sci-Fi’s. I’d say normal service will be resumed
tomorrow but what is normal anyway, well for me it is waking up and enjoying
each day and going to sleep happy and looking forward to the next. I got myself into that place and it feels so
good.
So after feeling like this for the last few days.........
 |
| Out of the frying pan into the ...........! |
 |
| Cheeky Monkey............! |
Now we all know that nothing in life is black and white or that simple, well I think it can be if we try. I have been keeping things as simple as I can and up until now it has been working. I have spent a lot of the last few weeks driving in and around the local countryside and it got me to thinking about some of the photographs I have taken and wish to take but not had the right settings to do so. So I have dug deep into my photographic archive and pulled out some of the landscapes I have taken and reprocessed them in black and white. Here they are.........
The first two are of a scene that was my mum's favourite and she was going to hang one of them on her dinning room wall shortly before she became ill.
Do you know that if I had not changed and been more assertive within myself I would have carried on and gone for a senior role. Once again growing a pair comes to the rescue, now to put it to use and face up to going over my finances, the next step.
Time to go an find out how Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are getting on with the SEP field. SEP stands for Somebody Else's Problem field, a field that is used to disguise an object by convincing everyone but the most determined of people it is somebodies else's problem and therefore does not exist or is not worth bothering with.
Until next time take care.
Pooh, Socks, Si, Simon, Sci-Fi x
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