Mum

As you can see it has been a few days since my last post but it was not for the want of trying.  Each day I have sat down and spent time composing a post only for my thoughts to trail off and my fingers come to a standstill.  Rather than merrily dancing across the keyboard they hover over the keys expectantly.  I found out today the reason why, it was down to today, May 15^th and I did not spot it coming.

Today is a significant day in my calendar, well it became so a few years ago as it is the day my mum passed away after a short fight with a very nasty brain tumour called Bob.  It had not been playing overly on my feelings even though I knew the anniversary was approaching.  I have been able to grieve and work through my emotions and as you know I have managed to get myself into a good place having come from a very dark one.  My mum’s passing was the final catalyst that made me realize that I was not well.  Kicking and screaming I have managed to get myself to where I am today thanks to the support of some very special people but more about them another time.

To quote I thought today would “be grand” and the day started with the usual buzz and excitement of getting ready for work, a cup of tea, breakfast, the FB update and reading the news.  The drive to work was the usual quiet affair allowing me to collect my thoughts and ponder the day ahead.  Today I was mindful of the date but it felt safely tucked away in its respectful place and I was happy with where it was.  The day started as normal scampering around finding odd jobs to do whilst waiting for the rally call to go shopping was sounded.  I started shopping with the normal level of enthusiasm but as the morning wore on a nagging feeling started to make it’s self known.  I was becoming more and more angry and frustrated but I could not pinpoint what was causing it.  I was aware that I had started to withdraw into myself and even spurred the unusual invitation to go for breakfast.

My mum passed away around midday and it was at this point I sat myself down on the bottom of the stairs and tried to collect my thoughts.  I remember getting the phone call from the hospital saying that I had better making my way in as it was looking like the end of my mum’s journey was approaching.  The only thing I remember of the journey was wishing that a police officer would stop us as we were not hanging around and getting a blues and two’s escort to the hospital.  It was a good call by the nurses as mum’s breathing was very laboured and shallow, something I had been told to expect.  I remember holding her hand, giving her a kiss on the forehead and saying to her it was time to let go.  Time to let go, go and find Dad and have another go at what he was wearing.  Shortly after she passed away peacefully no doubt off to have a nag at Dad.  After a short and torturous journey she had been through it was relief to all that she was now resting in peace.  It took me a while to actually grieve for the loss of mum, that is let myself allow the fact that she was gone get in.  It was the trigger that opened up my world and dumped me in a dark place.

Sitting on the stairs at work I started to understand what was troubling me, it was not that my mum was no longer here, that I have come to terms with.  No it was the contrast between today and the day she passed away.  I am in a very good place and compared to that day 3 years ago and it came as a bit of a shock to the system.  Up until now I have not been in the right frame of mind or a place that any contrast in emotions were noticeable.  It did not feel right to be feeling so good about my life, so being so positive on such a day was what upsetting me.  I had promised to stay at work until 12 and would have worked longer but I found it too upsetting to be there and asked to be allowed home.

I got home and climbing into bed allowing my thoughts to find themselves a comfortable place.  I woke up a few hours later tired but calm and feeling at ease.  In the past retiring to bed has been an attempt to hide from whatever has been troubling me but today it was a place to rest my tired mind and give it a chance to sort things out.  I know I have come a long way in my personal journey and today confirmed it whole heartily which is why it hurt so much.

Today has made me even more determined to protect where I am now.  Remember my personal box, that place where nothing can get into unless I let it?  Well a short while ago it only had one or two things in it and yet I have been so busy getting myself into a good place I did not notice how crowded and busy it had become.  I guess I need a bigger personal box.

Today was confirmation, if I needed it, that I am pointing in the right direction.  I am not becoming a new person, a leopard never changes his spots, and I am just discovering parts of me that were hidden or forgotten.  After all you cannot see all the spots on a Leopard at the same time so you cannot see all of me at once unless you ask nicely lol.

I am sorry to those who I let down today by leaving earlier than normal but thank you very much for understanding, BIG HUG.  Also a big thank you to those who gave me a very big today which was lots of peeps.

I am going to leave it there for now but here are a few photographs of my mum.  I know she would not approve but she can tell me off the next time we meet.

Until next time take care.

Si x