This poor Tigger has lost his bounce and is
having trouser trouble. I am losing so
much weight due to the new job that all of my trousers are becoming baggy. Even the belt tightening is beginning to lose
its effect and it could be time for braces otherwise it will be very embarrassing for
all concerned. Thinking about it Tigger
not having his bounce is possibly not a bad idea given the trouser
trouble? I also owe a fellow work colleague
an apology as my new work trousers arrived today and they reminded me twice and
I still forgot to pick them up, sorry.
It has only taken countless months, different sizes and I am in no doubt
a mountain sized pile of frustration to get this far.
Sadly I am so tired at the moment I am forgetting things. The darkness that is
infesting my personal box is weighting heavy and I did not get any sleep last
night. So no weird and wonderful dreams
to report of today, no being a deep sea fisherman or a wheelie bin maintenance
consultant. Instead it is just a fuzzy
head, lack of appetite and a glass of wine.
Which brings me neatly on to what I think is the root of my current
situation, alcohol or drinking of.
I’ve mention in passing that my consumption
of alcohol started to become a problem about 18 years ago, give or take a year. I was not coping with life and was struggling
to get the work life balance right. I
started to find comfort in the bottom of a glass naively thinking that it would
make the problems go away. If you are
wondering by the way yes there is a glass of wine sat on my desk as I write
this and I am wondering why too! It did
not take long for the habitual nature of drinking to take over and for the
amount to increase. It did not take long
for it to start to affect daily life and for it to be a pivotal part of my
day. Not that clarification is helpful
or needed because the fact I drank and still do is not excusable but I have never
let it rule my day completely. I only
ever drank in the evenings unless I was out to lunch on a day off. But if there was an opportunity to go out for
a drink I would and it would not be a soft one or just one or two pints.
I have fought, unsuccessfully, over the
years to stop or moderate my drinking but like most I have been in a state of
self denial. I’d even swap between bear
and wine when I got bored or as a justification that this was a way of stopping
or cutting down. At times I would stop
one day and go for months without a drink but it always returned. I know now that I was never in the position
of having the strength of mind to fight it as I was struggling with everything
else. It became a nasty circle that I
was unable to breakout of, mostly because I did not realise and understand that
I was having issues, I was not happy. My
drinking then started to feed the appetite of the issues I was suffering from
but I was not aware of. at. It started to mask
them off wrapping my up in a fuzzy cloud of drunkenness.
I can only guess at the financial cost of
my drinking, it does not even bear thinking about when you think about what it
has cost me personally. It has been a
factor in every part of my life all those 18 years and it has cost me
dearly. I lost my marriage, my kids, my
health, countless days off work in the early days and the happiest of those
close to me. In some respects it has cost
me any chance of what might be considered a secure future. Whether my past would have been rewritten if
I had not lose my ability to control my drinking is pure guess work but I think
things would have been a lot different now.
All I know is that is has been masking off the issues to the point where
they had to pile up to such an extent that I could no longer coupe.
I am not proud of the role I have allowed
alcohol play in my life or the cost especially to those around me. I understand it had allied itself to all the
issues feeding my depression and has been feeding them for some time. I have tired several times to stop and back
the alliance but have failed. Only now
do I think I can start to fight this battle and win. I feel I am aware of the role my drinking is
playing and the effect it has and is having.
Now that I have got myself a job that although cannot fully support me
is no longer the burden work has been previously. Yes I have been over doing work recently but
I have a handle on that now so I am considering that one sorted. I think I now have the energy to possibly
take on the next issue and given that my drinking is affecting every aspect of
my life it seems like the next best place to start. It should make dealing with the rest a little
bit easier, hopefully!
So how do I go about this battle then, stop
completely, only drink when out with friends, reduce the amount? Well I tried the last one and it did not work
and the second only feed the issue and made it difficult to stop. So with hindsight I think the only way I am
going to resolve this is to stop completely which means drawing a line in the
sand. So where do I draw that line, now,
tomorrow, next week? Well I have decided
to finish the wine I have already sat on the kitchen top and that is it.
Now as it has become a habit, part of daily
life it I need to replace it, well I think I do?! That bit I am unsure about just right now but
I tea sounds like a good idea, tea and a good book. Especially as I have still to start my annual
pilgrimage to Douglas Adams and have countless photographic journals to read. Not only that drinking has been getting in
the way of my photography so I think I will be having more fun in that
department too.
It might be to late but I think I owe a
large number of people an apology, I cannot change what has happened but I
would like to say I am trying to get better and become a better person. Please do not abandon me just yet, I am
going to need to readjust and workout life without an 18 year habit. There might be some bumps along the way but I
am excited by the idea of regaining control of my life
especially if it means I can rediscover parts that I have lost touch with and
discover something new.
So the battle against drinking and alcohol
has begun.
But before I end I would like thank some
very special peeps for their support including the hug I got from my boss! It is hard to unload my issues especially to
those who are very close to me as they often have a lot on their plate and I do
not want to burden them any further.
Then again my behaviour does not help much so I guess I need to learn how
to open up more without being a burden.
I know I am very lucky to have some amazing people in my life but it is
painful to realise that I have lost so many equally amazing people because of
my troubles and inability to handle them.
I know I cannot draw a definitive line in
the sand and start a fresh but I think I am at the point where I can start to
feel confident about my future and start to be of some value to those around
me.
I have decided to document my next battle
through my photography, as I mentioned before I am not going to miss another
opportunity to document a part of my life again, especially a life changing
one.
Today’s post was composed whilst listening
to Enya, Olly Murs, Scritti Politti and One Direction, can’t you tell?!!!!!
Well until the next time take care.
Si x
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