Yesterday was not a good day and it started
under a dark shadow that almost got the better of me. That was one reason why I did post a diary
entry yesterday as I could not get my thoughts straight. In fact at one point I came very angry thanks
to the behaviour someone else towards another.
It was completely out of order, unnecessary and it made my blood
boil. It made this chap hop up and down
for a while much to the amusement of those around me. Normally I can be very subjective about
things like that but because my head was full of a thousand and one issues I
found it hard. Still after a few pats on
the head and some finger wagging from friends I calmed down enough. Not having control of my thoughts from when I
woke up was very frustrating especially to those around me. I tried to be my usual bouncy self but it was
clearly not working as well as it should.
I would like to apologise to everyone for yesterday, hopefully normal
service will be resumed shortly and no groaning at that thought either.
When I have this darkness hanging over me I
find it very difficult to think and as a result I struggle to convey my
thoughts and feelings. I cannot explain
how I feel to even those close to me at times, as I do not know myself. All I have is a head full of cotton wool and
when I speak it is as if I cannot hear myself talking, it is all muffled. It is not that I do not want to talk it’s
more I cannot. It is another reason I
started this blog, writing my thoughts down slows my thought process down and I
can start to make sense of the day, events and my thoughts.
Which reminds me I would like to take this
opportunity to thank everyone who has come up to me and congratulated me on the
blog, that means a lot. It also means a
lot that at the same time they like my openness about my thoughts and life, it
is apparently refreshing and warmly welcomed.
This part has surprised me as I am only being me and if I cannot be
honest about myself to myself and all those around me what chance do I have of
getting on top of the issues I face, big or small. I write this blog to help me understand but
it is very touching to think that there are people out there who enjoy reading
it and get something from it too. To
everyone who has commented thank you very much that means so much to me, it
gives this chap more reason in getting his bounce working.
So how to combat a fuzzy head, well first recap where you have come from and make a note of the last thing you
accomplished and for me that was getting a job outside the IT industry. An important box ticked, not the most
important but a necessary one. Having
taken stock it was time to look at the rest of the issues and pick the next one
to challenge. This is the most dangerous
time as if you are not careful it is a golden opportunity to let them all back
in and I think this why I have been struggling of late. That and the fact I have been working to hard
too, or beyond what I am capable of doing right now should I say. But my next target is in my sights and I am
ready for the next battle, which is my drinking, more to the point my
consumption of alcohol. Now according to
all that is written I am an alcoholic as I consume more than the recommended allowance
for my age and weight. I can live with
that title to a point but what I cannot live with is the fact that once you are
classed as one you will always be one.
Even someone who goes out once a week and breaks the recommended
allowance is one, really????
My alcohol consumption is a problem yes and
I have stopped before but looking back I was never strong enough to get on top
of it and until now I did not realise that it was feeding my depression. I now know I was depressed before I started
drinking but had I not drunk so much I think my life would now be completely different
that is for sure. I am not going to hide
behind the problem or deny that it does not exist. I am sure that to some it is a filthy habit,
inexcusable and should not be tolerated and I agree to a point. I look back on what drinking has done to fuel
the fires of the mistakes I have made and it is something I am not proud
off. But I am willing to learn from them
now, I think that I am ready to face this battle now and I am going to win
it. It is not rocket science, I have won
the job battle for now and I have selected the next one, alcohol and I am going
to beat that one too. How you ask, well
I have chosen to do this through my passion for photography and reading. I am going to focus on a self portrait
photography project and catch up on my reading.
This means I have had to purchase some additional photography equipment,
basically a small home studio kit of two lights and a backdrop. No I cannot afford it, which is why I am
selling some of my other photography gear, but this project is very important
to me both personally and photographically speaking. It also means I can start to offer portrait
work for friends, family and pets and possibly to the general public. I am not talking about the stereotypical
portrait work although I will offer that, I am talking about arty, moody
portraits using lighting, something different.
However I need to test this on myself first to ensure I get it right. I have charged my Kindle, selected my
reading list all I need to do is work on the self portrait photography project
and refine the ideas for it.
I am sure you are wondering it this chap
had a drink today, yes he did and he does not feel good about it. So the next step is what, well I am going to
work tomorrow as scheduled, I am going to work my butt off, have a laugh with
my work colleagues, well most of them and hopefully spend a couple of hours
tomorrow evening reading before I shut my eyes.
I am going to take each day as it comes for the foreseeable future as it
is the only way I can. As friends have
been saying small steps, I think that is the key to this next battle.
Well on to tomorrow, I wonder what that
will bring and if you were wondering yes todays post was brought to you with a
couple of glasses of wine, hopefully the last.
Si x
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