I Said small steps you muppet

I said small steps you blithering idiot, not big ones even if it was the thought of one.  Today has been a mixed day that erred on the side of good but was tinged with some dark thoughts some of which were to close to the heart.  This is also the reason this post was composed to “Dance with me tonight” by Olly Murs as it is my current feel good song.

Sadly I did not wake up to a beautiful night sky full of stars thanks to miserable clouds spoiling the view.  It was cold, bitterly cold and it soon got to my bones as I de-iced the car.  I do like it when it is cold and damp as it adds an edge of fun to getting to work.  Giving the car an extra tweak of throttle, brake or steering allowing the car to twitch a little.  Takes me back to my skid pan training and advanced driving course, so much fun.  The cold did not help given that I mainly work on in the chilled section so it did not give me the opportunity to thaw out.  In fact my hands did not warm up until and hour after I got home and had snuggled up in my bed they were that cold.

So it was shopping time so I plugged my ears into my headphones and rocked my playlist, which is in need of some refinement but as it stands is very good, but it is just perfect for shopping.  It is a shame the shop does not open at 9:30 everyday then I could have 5 hours of music to shop to.  Work was its usual excellent self and I am beginning to recognize patterns in the shops to the point where I recognize picking up the same customers shopping, either that or two people like the same things.  But it was work that brought on the first panic attack if you can call it that.  There is / was an opportunity to apply for a senior position within the company, one which I feel I could do given my experience, but the more I discussed it, the more I learned about the role the more I began to panic.  I am cross with myself for getting in that position as I said to myself small steps and here I am thinking about taking a big one and for what.  It pays little above what I earn now and not only that I could end up working at a moments notice anywhere in the store on any shift pattern.  The only thing it does do is offered more hours as standard but with no overtime.

So why did I bottle out and get so worked up about it?  The main reason is that I work with an amazing bunch of people and I do not want to lose that.  They have helped me so much and become such amazing friends it is not something I want to give up.  I like the hours and days I work they give me so much freedom and flexibility.  Getting a senior role would take all that away from me and I am not saying that there are not equally nice peeps elsewhere in the store but I like what I have.  In fact I know there are as equally nice peeps but I’m not up for the change even if I got the chance.  It is too big a step, I like to keep things simple and get to enjoy what I have.  In fact I am not sure this chap is ever going to do anything other than keep it simple.

I’ve learnt that those around me, the people I love and care for are so important that I do not want to put myself in a position where I can not be there for them too.  I know I am not there completely yet now but I am going to get there.

Still at work the second blow to my chirpy mood hit home, this was harder hitting and acted on two fronts.  They started putting up the mothers day promotions and make room on the shelves for related products and it did not feel good.  I do not need reminding that this is the period of battling Bob (Mum’s brain tumour) only to have Mother’s day rammed down my throat.  I should be use to it by now but it is difficult not to let it get to me still.  It does make me appreciate my mum and all she did for me and we shared a lot more it just hurts that we cannot still do that.  It does make me feel good that I was part of her life and that she gave me so much and that in my own way I gave her so much too.  I know that I am proud to have been part of her last few months with us we shared too much.

The second front came when a lovely old lady asked me a question about the salads we sell and what would be suitable for her rabbit.  My mum had a rabbit called Sandy, which she had from a bunny.  He was such a character, so much so that he would never stay in his hutch preferring to roam the garden.  With the exception of the coldest of winter nights mum’s garden was the domain and god help cat, bird, fox or rodent as there welcome was soon made very unwelcome.  He loved people and if you stood still he would happily run around and around you all day long.  If you run to one end of the garden he would follow back and forth.  When mum became terminally ill I got to spend a lot of time with Sandy chatting, watching the world go by and running rings around each other.  Talking to the lady about rabbits brought it all back and it made my feelings for my mum hit home even harder.  The lady is a regular so I will if I can keep up the chats and progress on her bunnies health and well being and I must find out its name.  See what happens when I am taking to big a step I lose focus on the important things, I should have asked her what her rabbits name was.

Here are a couple of photographs of Sandy.

If you are wondering at this point whether I have had a drink today, yes I have and I am not feeling proud about it.  I’m not proud because I am drinking again but also I put myself in a position where I could not handle things.  If I had not got myself so worked up about the possibility of moving up I think I would have been ok, well better off.  I have been willing to let go of my IT skills as I no longer want them to rule my life but I am finding it hard to let go of the rest.  I cannot take a role of more reasonability but I know I can use my experiences where I am to make my life easier and hopefully help those around me too but as a friend.  In other words just be the chirpy chap and enjoy things.

On a plus side I have also been working on my self portrait project, no not taking photographs but planning.  I have been drawing up ideas and my thoughts thinking of locations, sources of inspiration and themes.  This is a first for me photographically speaking and I am enjoying the new approach and I hope it shows in the work I produce.  I know my drinking battle will feature heavily, I’d like my work to as well but the company has a very strict policy against that sort of thing.

So what does tomorrow bring, well the only thing I have planned is not getting up in the early hours of the morning, other than that it is anything goes.

Until next time take care.

Si x