From Broken to Bethany

I am not sure where to start todays post, as it has been a day of mixed emotions.  Waking up off the back of just three hours sleep was a recipe for the day not going well and the drive to work lacked the sparkle of yesterday so I was fore warned.  I read again last night and got to the point where big green blubbery aliens are about to throw one of the two remaining ape like descendants of earth out into deep space.  I thought two chapters were enough and closed my book, well powered my Kindle off and rested my head on my pillow.  That was at 8pm and I was still awake at midnight when tiredness finally overcame me and I dropped off to sleep.  Two and half hours later the alarm signalled it was time to start another day.

It was an effort to get up and the sparkle of yesterday was dim and distant but I was not going to give up.  I went through my usual morning routine and even managed to cut up some Pears and Apples for a snack at work.  With the window of the car down I drove to work arriving insanely early.  I stood on the top floor of the car park listening to the birds call out to each other, distant lorries, cars and taxis going about their business and the wind playing around me.  It is at times like that I am glad to be alive and able to experience the sights and sounds around me.  To watch the traffic lights go through their routine with no one to obey them is comical and to think they do that all day, everyday whether we are driving our cars or asleep.

I won’t ever tire of saying how much I love my job so you will have to get use to it.  As I stepped over the cold threshold of the front door into the warmth of the shop floor my sparkle started to make its presence known even more and as I went about the task of getting ready to shop I started to feel more alive.  Shopping playlist selected off I went determined not to allow the lack of sleep get to me, the more I shopped the more alive I felt.  One thing is for sure I am grateful to my employer for giving me a foundation to move on I only hope it lasts.  Talking of work there is an opportunity to apply for a promotion but I am in two minds.  On the one hand I know I have the experience to be able to handle a senior role but on the other I am not sure if I want it.  I have spent several years simplifying my life in the hope of winning the battle against my depression and maintain the values that me so much to me.  I do not want to get dragged back into the rat race again and lose sight of the values I hold so close.  I think my mind was made up a few days ago when I packaged away a lot of the trifling frustrations I have away.  Do I really want to get back into managing people on a formal basis?

I have lost so much that is special to me I do not want to and can ill afford to lose anything else.  I am determined to make a life for myself out of the ashes of my past and I am not going to give up on that, to do so would mean losing the war I wage.  I know I have taken a big step forward in the war I wage and I know that the little steps in the battle fight with now are equally as important.

There was first for me today as my name was mentioned over the public address system at work.  I was shopping the same aisle as my bosses at the time and their faces was a picture, then again I guess mind was, as I did not expect it.  So I parked my trolley and headed off to customer services, the reason for the call, a lady bearing a music CD.  She found out about my passion for music and my troubles through an old school friend and Facebook friend.  I have spent the afternoon listening the album called “From Broken to Bethany” by Therese Hood.  It is a beautifully written album and is now the sole album on my shopping playlist.  Thank you so much Tess.

It was also so funny when I got back into the office; everyone was dying to know why I was called over the public address system.  It is so rare that anyone one from GOL gets called that way.  It is a shame I was not able to string that one out!

Now as I wear my heart on my sleeve and only know how to be open I will admit that I have had a drink today.  I fought against it all day but was not strong enough to say no.  I do not feel proud but I do feel determined and able to not let this slip happen again.  I have the necessary tools in my toolbox I just forgot to use them for the first time.  It is not going to happen again as I have to much to lose and having lost so much before I am not going go through that again.  I did not expect a bump so soon but I am glad in a way it happened as it confirms my feelings and my confidence in moving forward.

Until next time take care.

Si x