Can someone please shine a light on why last
night I dreamt I was a Trigonometry teacher who did not know anything about
Trigonometry? Where that one came from I
have no idea and I am certainly not going to think it through either. I did not sleep well last night I was just
too tired. I know that does not add up
but I could not find my way past the exhaustion and fuzziness. I was also trying not to think too much which
I find a dangerous thing to do when I get so tired. Everything becomes a problem and issue that I
struggle to deal with. It also allows
the dark shadows that hoover ahead the chance to infest my thoughts and soul
again, that is not going to happen.
It is that part that scares me the most and
one of the reasons I am not going to get into such an exhaustive state again. I cannot afford to get myself lost in the
darkness that surrounded me for so long again.
I hated that place and having got myself into one that is bright,
colourful and exciting I am going to fight it with vigour every time it tries to make it's presence known.
I have found that when I get as tired as I did slowly over the course of last
week I cannot think straight and I start to over think things and that is when
things go wrong. I become overly
sensitive to the smallest thing. I had a
very good week off and I felt so engerised for it that sitting here now feeling
so tired I can appreciate my time off work or more as it allows me to enjoy the
other things that make me feel good. I
also do not like the fact that I become a burden to those around me and more
trouble than I am worth. So finger
wagging peeps the message has finally got through, this chap is going to work
in moderation from now on, no pushing the limits as it does not work to well
with me. I cannot afford to play Russian
roulette with my health and I have been.
I need my health in order to enjoy all things in life that make me feel
so good and happy.
It does not help that this is the time of
the year that things started to go wrong for my mum. It was around now that Bob introduced himself
to the family and mum had an operation to try and remove him. I remember sitting in the little consulting
room with the cancer nurse waiting for the surgeon to give their verdict. I remember them being positive in their
outlook but they could not hide the hint of caution. I think like most people I wanted to know as
much as I could and I pushed for the full picture. I remember them telling me that mum had time
to get her affairs in state and had at least 2 years before Bob won the war.
Someone forgot to tell Bob about the 2
years and a couple of months later my mum was taken away from us. The journey was a roller coaster of emotions,
laughter, frustration and love. I never
showed anything other than a cheeky funny side to my mum with the exception of
two occasions. Two occasions where
members of the family whose behaviour upset mum, their selfishness and
greed were totally unacceptable. I could
not believe how anyone could behave towards someone who was terminally ill,
could cause them so much upset when most were trying to celebrate and make
light of the situation and time we had.
I will never forgive them for what they did and I have to admit it did
gain some pleasure in putting them in their place, especially as I did it in a
polite and friendly manner. This is one
of the reasons I detest bullying and gossiping peeps so much. I fought hard to protect my mum during her final days against bullying and gossip, something I should have not had to do. The fact peeps were telling my mum lies about me to her made me sick to my stomach. It made me realise that you do not have to like, love or trust family just because they are family. You are born with a family but you can chose your friends.
I had my mum as a friend on Facebook until
today when I removed her from my friends list.
I know her account was deleted a long time ago but it was of some
comfort having a reference to her there.
It seemed like the right thing to do, a little bit of letting go whilst
taking comfort in my memories of her. I
keep certain possession like her ring made of three types of gold that I wear
on my gold chain around my neck. I have
my Dad’s record collection and some of his watches but they are not as
meaningful as my memories and the things we shared. My dad loved music, especially artists like
John Denver, Fats Domino, Elvis, ELO and Dr Hook. I was very excited when Dr Hook released
their greatest hits album, Timeless, recently and had to download it. It brought back memories of listening to the
album on a Sunday afternoons. We also use to listen to
the Top 40 Sunday afternoon and during dinner and I use to record it on
tape. That was when my dad discovered
the Pet Shop Boys, his first modern band.
Mum was never outwardly a music lover as far as I can remember although
she did allow Dad to play Barbara Streisand and Don Williams without fuss.
The four months I spent with my mum and Bob
have changed me forever, I forgot to mention that Bob was a very aggressive
brain tumour. Yes it made the next 2 to
3 years the darkest of my life and I am only just climbing out of that darkest. But I am beginning to understand that the
experience has changed me for the better.
I look back at the emotions and feelings I experienced and it helps me
appreciate what I have now even more. I
have become fiercely protective of my personal feelings and the life I have and
I am very weary of that but I cannot go back to the way I was, I cannot let
that darkness consume me again. It still
feels like there is a thin line between feeling good and positive about life
and myself and the darkness yet I feel more empowered to control it. I think I have had to toughen up a bit,
something I am not entirely comfortable with, become a bit selfish even. I have my little box to help me now and when
I become more comfortable with things the more I will let inside.
Another reason for not letting myself get
so tired is it makes for long posts. I
am trying not to over think things, repeat myself too much. I am starting to feel the need to
explore my emotions through my photography, not sure what this means but having
missed one opportunity I am not about to miss another. Below are a few of my
earlier selfies when I was busy bouncing around that dark place called
depression.
Today’s post was brought to you by the Ape
like descendant Si and songs “Walk Right In”,
“Sexy Eyes” and of course “When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Women” by Dr
Hook and “Grace” by Simon Webbe.
Until next time take care.
Si x
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