Feeling down but not out.

Thanks to a lack of sleep this tired chap has allowed the darkness surrounding him invade his personal box.  That little box that has allowed me to start to understand myself better and the problems I face.  It has given me the space to take a deep breath and take stock.  Now I find myself fighting something I do not understand or identify with, it is featureless and I do not know what it is that is troubling me.  Being so tired it is hard to push it out or even start to break it down into manageable pieces.  I have the tools given to me by those who helped me start to escape my depression and I have them to hand.  The thing is not to panic, not panic and understand what has put you in this position; in this case it is exhaustion.  I know I am relying heavily on my anti-depressants and the increased dose is helping.  I know they work because I stopped taking them early last year and it was not long before I missed them.  I am resigned to the fact that they are going to be in my life longer that I want but I know that one day I will be strong enough not to need their help.

For me dealing with my depression or the issues that go to make it up is like learning to grow up again.  I feel childlike in my personal box, unsure of the world around me yet excited by the opportunity to explore.  This time, however, I have a little bit of hindsight and that is helpful.  I still find it difficult to ask for help or even know how to but I am getting better at understanding it when it comes along.  I know to the world outside I can be frustrating and maybe childlike but that is how it feels sometimes.  I know I am stronger than before as I can feel a confidence inside me that no matter what I will win this war evening though I lose one or two battles along the way.

Reflecting on the last week I should have seen the signs.  I have not made an effort in the kitchen cooking and washing up, two things I love to do.  I have not done the ironing for a while and only dabbled at the housework.  This chap is also been all work and no play and I like to play.

So what is troubling me, what details can I garner from this darkness currently infesting my box?  Well there is a lack of money, my career in IT, my lack of contact with my kids, the divorce, my failure as a husband and father and a new one on the pile the personal betrayal I experience during my mum’s illness and the years afterwards.  The last one is not so much new as I have only just allowed myself to accept that it is something that is troubling me.

In the middle of last year I started to sort these out but only after I was able to get on solid ground thanks to my doctor and the emergency care team.  If you did not know I hit rock bottom last year when I started to self-harm.  At the time it was all a blur but looking back it was one of the scariest times of my life.  I have never thought of taking my own life and right up to the point of harming myself I still did not feel that way.  What scared me was the ease in which I found myself in that situation, I had crossed that line without knowing it.  That was the wake up call for me and I understood that I needed help and started to learn how to accept it.  I guess you can see why I am so weary of the darkness that is my depression, or not as the case maybe.

I lost my job as a result and that left me in a very desperate situation but with a grim determination to make a start on the road to recovery.  Recovery is possibly not the right word; do we ever fully recover from depression as the past is always with us, we hopefully just find our way to a better place and learn how to stay there!  So I had something to focus on, getting a job.  This meant pushing and packing all the other issues out of the way as I was not strong enough to deal with them all.

The 25 years working in the IT industry taught me many skills but it cost me so much, too much.  I lost my health, my marriage and the chance to watch my kids grow up.  My struggle to cope or reconcile work and family life led to me drinking which made matters worse.  My father worked long and hard to support his family and I hardly saw him or shared much in the way of quality time.  We had very few heart to heart talks but looking back I do not feel any less for it.  He was an amazing person whom I admire with pride.  He was not a big man physically but his heart, passion and love for life was all consuming.  He was a gentle giant in a small chap.  I, however, could not control the situation and it was obvious that I was not the best thing for the wife and kids.  The only option was to leave as I did not want to harm my kids and wife at the time any more.  I don't want to hear anyone say that depression is a sign of weakness, far from it.  Leaving the family home was the hardest decision I have ever made and I have regretted it ever since.

Back to the job front, I started the task of looking for another job and that is were Sainsbury’s came in.  I tried to go back to the IT industry but I could not cope with it.  It brought a bitter taste to my mouth and my stress levels rose to the point that I became ill.  I needed to get out of IT, which was a difficult task when you have a CV that is dipping with IT experience and qualifications.  I did, however, find a job at Sainsbury's a job I love.  I work with some amazing people, and aside from over doing it everything is going so well.  Well the petty bullying and gossiping aside but they are just an annoyance that can be brushed aside when they raise their beady heads.  I have a habit of getting into something new and giving it my all, I get so excited and intense I often lose the plot a bit and that is what I have done throughout my career.  I have a job that gives me the opportunity to work on getting my work life balance right and spend time with the people I love and doing the things that make me feel so good.  I have just over cooked the work bit but I am not ready to get back on the straight and narrow.

Having this latest hiccup has helped and I realise that they are an unnecessary evil.  It is a gentle reminder that now I am settling down in sorting the job situation out it is maybe time to start looking at the other issues.  I am also aware that I am not going to be able to full resolve or do anything about some of them other than come to terms with them and put them in a place that means they can managed.  My life is slowly changing and for the better and this in itself is a bit of a challenge.  I am having to not over think things and go with the flow, again something I am not use too.

Well that is all for now, until the next time take care.

Si x